- I’m good, I’m gone! Packed bare with only the essentials, my car and I set off westward without a safety net but minuscule balances on my credit cards and a little bit of savings. Somewhere outside of DFW, I could see the moon still before noon like a beacon before me leading me on a drive I had made several times this year, but this time it felt harder as I started to let go of my life in Dallas.
- Heart in repair After stopping in San Diego to see Grace, I stopped in L.A. to see Nick in full Christmas spirit and feeling better despite his accident and being in the hospital and surgeries and rehab! It inspired me to continue looking forward and not dwell on the tough decisions and heartache of yesterday; to make the best of today. Nick introduced me to some awesome eats in Silverlake—the salted caramel pie in particular.
- Shiver me timbers! I wanted to see my friends, Ashley and Tabitha on my way up but it didn’t work out. However, I did have time to make a brief hike off highway 1 at a butterfly reserve outside of Santa Barbara. From the bluffs I could see what I imagined to be a Peter Pan-hijacked pirate ship off in the distance, going somewhere for some adventure. I thought of Treu, the future, this crazy adventure I’m on, felt disbelief but carried on towards Monterey Bay and San Francisco to see Stacy and Suki.
- Keep Calm, Travel On After returning to Salinas to relive the first time Treu and I met each other and surviving that too, I was bound for San Francisco with a brief stop to meet and see Bri and Mr. A — finally. Seeing them interact together made me think of how crazy circumstances and fateful chances can bring two destined people together. After meeting that great couple, I met more at Suki and Ryan’s Crabsgiving. One couple in particular was a couple who had recently returned from exploring South America and another couple from Houston who recently moved together to SF. They commended me on risky journey of traveling alone to a place where I know not too many people, which is not really new to me after road tripping all over America.
- Thriving Even before I set foot in the city, I was delivering my resume and portfolio at creative agencies left and right. Surprisingly, the reaction to my portfolio was a lot of things like “Where have you been?!” and “How did we miss you???” I’ve been going on multiple interviews, meetings, and won some cool one-off jobs but nothing substantial yet.
- Aurora My first “I’m living in Seattle” shot of the Space Needle from 99.
- Tetradeca While I was working hard on getting my name out in the Seattle design scene, I finally put together a long overdue mix, arranged, mixed, and designed for. I’ve only handed it out to a few friends so far for feedback, but intend to release it when my portfolio launches. Who knows when that is but it’ll the Tetradeca Mix will be ready for downloading.
- Christmas in Seattle I vacationed with my mom and sister at Rancho Mirage, Palm Springs, CA, before driving back with them to Texas. It was a little rough at times with certain tempers, but I made out just fine. My grandmother did not like the quick visit on Christmas Eve, but she appreciated that I snuck in time to see her. I had a red-eye flight out on Christmas Day to which everyone I met was really kind. Ah, the human spirit at Christmastime!
- Wish I Was the Moon Tonight Even with other more important things to worry about (like finding food to eat), my thoughts of Treu continued to make me sullen in the spare minutes when I wasn’t working so hard to make it in Seattle. I finally caught up with him to see how he was getting on. Turns out, fairly well, which eased my mind quite a bit.
- This Is a Bittersweet Goodbye, 2012 2012 was a great year from start to finish. It was a year of listening to my inner voice(s) and being brave and taking risks. I ended the year at a gay bar in Seattle learning to dance on my own.
“I traveled to New York to see Bryant Park, a place I deem most romantic, to inspire me that true love is waiting for me in the future. Until then I’m working on loving myself.” — from October
Food, Music, Books, Design, Travel, Love, Life
November was full of comforts, several attempts at reconnecting with my heart, and a Declaration of Independence. I made the decision to make Seattle happen no matter what. The How is yet to be determined.
This month I went camping for the first time, in Big Bend out in west Texas. It was incredibly beautiful and not at all uncomfortable as I imagined camping in the desert to be. It was cool enough to sleep, warm enough to play. I’ll always remember staring up at the stars from my tent… just dreaming and wishing upon a shooting star as I used to when I was a teenager. I know now that dreams don’t happen without some effort of the dreamer. It’s an optical illusion, a self-delusion, a magic trick or TV show ending I won’t spoil. All I can say is I’ve got to make this work and happen.
I managed to ween myself off cake and onto ice cream for comfort food and healing a broken heart. I don’t feel as open to love as before Treu, but I’m hoping to get back there soon, however that may be too much to ask. I’ve struggled a lot with just feeling my feelings just as I have before, and also trying to simply let him go. There’s also some residual Bright feelings I’m trying to let go of, too. But I think that will be on-going for a long time.
I spent a lot of time visiting the arts district of Dallas and viewing art, spending time with friends, trying not to let my pain get me into too much trouble, viewing modern homes, looking at orphaned dogs and cats on websites—just trying to remember that there’s life beyond the sad puddle I’ve been in.
I didn’t travel, write music, or read much in November. I spent most of my time just watching movies, working, and preparing for Seattle by getting my name out there as much as possible. So far no luck but I’m hoping things turn around when I get there on December 10. I already have a place booked on Airbnb for a month. We shall see what happens!
I’m really really nervous and can’t help the apprehension in my tone when I tell people I’m moving to Seattle with no floor to walk on. But I’m trying to subdue that feeling with positive thoughts and hard work. I’ve been pretty lucky in my life so far so maybe it’ll work in my favor this time. Wish me luck. :]
What to expect for December 2012: finally living in Seattle!!!
If months were children, October would be my nightmare problem child.
Music, Books, Design
At the end of September, I began demo-ing and creating loops and samples for the eventual song I’m going to make. I don’t think I will be able to complete and share it by the end of the year, given that I’ll be prepping and moving to Seattle. I haven’t been working on it too much, however. So I’ve still got some reformative thinking to do on my motivation. I seem to think “Well, how about I complete all of my other projects first so I can focus on just music only.” The reality to that is I’ll always have other projects to work on as well as books upon books to read.
I’ve been reading Happier Than a Billionaire in addition to Colin Wright’s How to Travel Full Time, both of which I’ve been reading since June in my off time. I’ve begun thinking of the next few years and backpacking Europe. I’ve also had this nagging feeling that my planning is futile. I’d rather do it with someone I love—friend or lover. But waiting to live until someone else comes along to want to join sounds more ridiculous, so I continue to plan. I’ve both lost sight of who I am and recognized who I am and what I want from life. So I created something to help out with that.
I’ve worked on the next iteration of my logo and working on my visual identity. I’m still expanding it to all my networks and am even thinking about a new online identity. Things with Seattle job are a little slow, so taking on some freelance work to supplement my income. I’m all around excited about my design career and revamping my portfolio. I’m extra excited and a little daunted about tackling coding from start to finish. In the past I just threw something online for potential employers and clients to look at, but I want to make this redesign the real deal. Once that’s done, I can begin to work on the redesign for Endeavors.
Travel, Love, Life
For the past couple of months I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with a very special person in San Francisco. We Skyped/Facetimed every night, we held hands everywhere we went, he communicated very well, he was responsible for his actions in our relationship, he was incredible and an amazing boyfriend. We never truly solidified if we were boyfriends or not, but we were exclusive. When I met him, I immediately deleted all my dating apps and told my friends about him. They thought I was insane, but fell in like with him too when they met him.
How could I let someone like that go? Well, while we’re both great (the passion! astrological lava!), we differed in terms of what we wanted. I knew and I think he still needed time to figure out. We were just in different places, which is lame. After we broke up, I hadn’t anticipated locking myself up in my room in the dark, eating nothing but cake for a week. I was an emotional wreck.
“You’re looking for a prince charming that doesn’t exist.”
But he does. I am one. You are one, too. The thing about Disney princes is that they weren’t perfect. Eric wouldn’t kiss the girl, and Charming showed up too late.
All men can be princes. But we tend to let the doubt in who we are—our insecurities—keep us from being the best we can be and who we truly are. We meet people along the way that encourage us that the prince we’re looking for is really us.
I don’t want someone perfect and polished. I just want someone who can communicate well and is healthy and wants babies and loves to travel and explore and learn and appreciates the arts because I am the arts embodied in 143 lbs of flesh, bones, blood, and a heart filled with love ready to be given. I’ll give it to myself.
I’d like to say that I’ve been invigorated and rejuvenated since breaking up with Treu, but I haven’t. I have moments where I’m struggling to mentally get up. I traveled to New York to see Bryant Park, a place I deem most romantic, to inspire me that true love is waiting for me in the future.
Until then I’m working on loving myself.
What to expect for November 2012: finalizing plans to move to seattle, and finishing projects
June was a month of incredible adventure: the Northwest Expedition. It was the best!
I began a personal project, a redesign, and so far it’s been a real crowd pleaser.
While I was in Seattle, I shopped for startups and small businesses to work for and with. I hooked one and it’s working out so far. The team is really nice. I’m one step closer to actually living in Seattle. Come September we’ll find out if that’s actually happening.
I began a variety of books but haven’t finished them. Check out my goodreads to keep up with my progress and share yours.
Umami Burger in L.A. is incredibly good. Chinatown eats (pocky, moscato gummies), brunch at Tartine, dinner at flour + water in San Fran were gorgeous and palette stretching.
Love & Travel
I toured the Northwest in intervals beginning with a trip to San Francisco to see Donna, Suki, and Ryan for a few days. We climbed a hill that overlooked the city, ate a lot, and explored Chinatown. And then I took a train to Portland through Emeryville and Eugene. Oregon is one of the most beautiful states I’ve ever visited with tall, green trees and lakes that line the tracks. Portland wasn’t what I expected initially. I had hoped to sink in, but there was a little resistance. Luckily, I caught up with Doniree and Chris, who introduced me to Kat, Megan, and Gorillo. And from there, I felt like I could make a home in Portland. In May, I decided to lightly date again. Lightly dating started off a little wonky then, but while I was in Portland I attended the Chris Guillebeau book signing at Powell’s. After, I met up with someone at a coffee shop, and it was awesome. I was a little nervous, but Doniree and Chris kept me calm and crashed it to say goodbye.
The next day I came back to Dallas and the following week, I went on the trip I had been waiting for for years: SEA-VAC. Seattle and Vancouver were two peas in a pod cities. Vancouver was more rainy. Ah! I had so much fun. I felt at place in Seattle and Vancouver. Both places are how all of the US should be: cities full of free spirits and weirdos. I went with a friend and we were both incredibly excited. I’ve always wanted to live in Seattle, so being there was a dream come true.
I got a taste of my dream. And it was great. It felt great.
I came back to Dallas and every time I do, I realize that I love Texas so much. I appreciate it. I love being a Texan.
I took a road trip I’ve taken many times in my life — with family, with a lover. This time I took it alone. I took the 20 to the 10 out west, bound for Los Angeles. I was alone in the desert, passing Texas Canyon, Michigan Flats, and Picacho Peak. I envisioned the cacti wearing ten-gallon hats like on those old Nickelodeon cartoon shorts in the 90s. I made up wacky names for weird shaped clouds. I smelled the pungent scent of the desert rain; it’s much sweeter in the desert because it’s rare, not many people get to experience that joy.
What to expect for July 2012: July is another completion month; I’ll be finishing projects, clearing out stuff, I won’t be traveling outside of Texas! The end of my 6-month abstinence challenge comes to an end.
May allowed me to start and complete some delayed projects, carry on with my travel goals, continue trying to keep my heart open, flex my design muscles, a big leap in my “music career,” and more milestones.
I took myself out one night to the Inwood to see Five-Year Engagement. It was a great movie, but it shook my core and made me see into a possible future. And it scared me. Thanks to good friends for keeping my head clear. The heart can take control sometimes and have me thinking dreams that can’t come true. I re-focused myself on what I set out to do — being super content.
After BiSC, I realized that I would never be ready to date. So I decided to test the waters and “lightly” date. As soon as I did, something dramatic happened that forced me back into my dating hiatus.
Needless to say, I returned to my focus of not being fearful of being open. Oy.
Overwhelmed by emails everyday for job opportunities, most of which are in Dallas and other areas, not the Pacific Northwest. But I’m still trucking and applying. I also scored some interviews in Seattle. Incredibly excited!
I started a re-design project, and it is fantastic so far.
I started May off with fire! It seemed like the beginning to a series of conferences. First, there was the X-Factor audition in Greensboro, NC. While I was in town, I caught up with Daniel in Raleigh and met his posse. I also checked out the Notre Dame campus, just because. And it was beautiful. Raleigh was beautiful as well. Ironically, North Carolinans were voting for gay rights.
Speaking of inequality, in mid-May I traveled to Las Vegas for BiSC and had a great time meeting other bloggers. It was my second time visiting Las Vegas and just confirmed that Vegas is not my kind of town. If it weren’t BiSC, I probably wouldn’t have had anything to enjoy while I was there, especially since I don’t have boobs. Like I said, I had a great time otherwise.
So many new eats, I don’t even know where to begin so I won’t. Pocky in San Fran, Cheerwine in Raleigh. Foodie Weekend with Stacy was fantastic as usual. Just — ugh, yum.
X-Factor. I learned a lot from my X-Factor experience. I had a great time and it was fantastic, but I realize that a music career via a television show wasn’t my thing. But I broke through a lot of fears and felt like a new version of myself.
I started reading a few books and wasn’t dedicated to any of them as I was with Henrietta Lacks. I also tried reading Hunger Games after seeing the movie and I capped at page 14.
Abstinence: Every week is a test, especially after BiSC and the pool at the Flamingo. Oy. I’ve been incredibly cranky.
What to expect for June 2012: June is another completion month; I’ll be finishing projects, clearing out stuff, traveling throughout the Northwest, adventure adventure adventure!