- I’m good, I’m gone! Packed bare with only the essentials, my car and I set off westward without a safety net but minuscule balances on my credit cards and a little bit of savings. Somewhere outside of DFW, I could see the moon still before noon like a beacon before me leading me on a drive I had made several times this year, but this time it felt harder as I started to let go of my life in Dallas.
- Heart in repair After stopping in San Diego to see Grace, I stopped in L.A. to see Nick in full Christmas spirit and feeling better despite his accident and being in the hospital and surgeries and rehab! It inspired me to continue looking forward and not dwell on the tough decisions and heartache of yesterday; to make the best of today. Nick introduced me to some awesome eats in Silverlake—the salted caramel pie in particular.
- Shiver me timbers! I wanted to see my friends, Ashley and Tabitha on my way up but it didn’t work out. However, I did have time to make a brief hike off highway 1 at a butterfly reserve outside of Santa Barbara. From the bluffs I could see what I imagined to be a Peter Pan-hijacked pirate ship off in the distance, going somewhere for some adventure. I thought of Treu, the future, this crazy adventure I’m on, felt disbelief but carried on towards Monterey Bay and San Francisco to see Stacy and Suki.
- Keep Calm, Travel On After returning to Salinas to relive the first time Treu and I met each other and surviving that too, I was bound for San Francisco with a brief stop to meet and see Bri and Mr. A — finally. Seeing them interact together made me think of how crazy circumstances and fateful chances can bring two destined people together. After meeting that great couple, I met more at Suki and Ryan’s Crabsgiving. One couple in particular was a couple who had recently returned from exploring South America and another couple from Houston who recently moved together to SF. They commended me on risky journey of traveling alone to a place where I know not too many people, which is not really new to me after road tripping all over America.
- Thriving Even before I set foot in the city, I was delivering my resume and portfolio at creative agencies left and right. Surprisingly, the reaction to my portfolio was a lot of things like “Where have you been?!” and “How did we miss you???” I’ve been going on multiple interviews, meetings, and won some cool one-off jobs but nothing substantial yet.
- Aurora My first “I’m living in Seattle” shot of the Space Needle from 99.
- Tetradeca While I was working hard on getting my name out in the Seattle design scene, I finally put together a long overdue mix, arranged, mixed, and designed for. I’ve only handed it out to a few friends so far for feedback, but intend to release it when my portfolio launches. Who knows when that is but it’ll the Tetradeca Mix will be ready for downloading.
- Christmas in Seattle I vacationed with my mom and sister at Rancho Mirage, Palm Springs, CA, before driving back with them to Texas. It was a little rough at times with certain tempers, but I made out just fine. My grandmother did not like the quick visit on Christmas Eve, but she appreciated that I snuck in time to see her. I had a red-eye flight out on Christmas Day to which everyone I met was really kind. Ah, the human spirit at Christmastime!
- Wish I Was the Moon Tonight Even with other more important things to worry about (like finding food to eat), my thoughts of Treu continued to make me sullen in the spare minutes when I wasn’t working so hard to make it in Seattle. I finally caught up with him to see how he was getting on. Turns out, fairly well, which eased my mind quite a bit.
- This Is a Bittersweet Goodbye, 2012 2012 was a great year from start to finish. It was a year of listening to my inner voice(s) and being brave and taking risks. I ended the year at a gay bar in Seattle learning to dance on my own.
For Thanksgiving, my family and I drove to Durant, Oklahoma, to enjoy the casino slots. It’s not something I particularly enjoy and I’m actually surprised that my mother does. I guess, after living a life of both growing up poor and then being a frugal mother, she’s starting to enjoy being more risky with money. I think that’s cool.
The way my mother treats money is the way I’ve treated myself. I’ve lived a good 25 years not placing too many wild bets on me. Why not?
I think for that amount of time I thought that idea was crazy and that I didn’t deserve it. Somewhere inside and in the creation of my doubts, a little voice thought otherwise. Last year in November I took a chance on me. I broke up with someone I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with for the sake of my own happiness, I have lived a lifestyle that goes against the societal norm in America, I have pretty much outted my sexuality to conservative members of my family; I have lived my life as best and freely as possible. It has done me good so far.
But taking risks and chances don’t feel good in the beginning, do they? It’s like that part of the movie where you’re trapped between being captured by a group of evil men who will rape and torture you until you go insane and jumping off a cliff with hope that it doesn’t hurt too bad when you hit the ground. There’s so much anxiety and mental craze that goes into taking the big leap.
I’m leaving for Seattle. It doesn’t matter for how long, but I am leaving. It is pretty terrifying and daunting. I would try to divulge the many reasons why but they’re silly. Seattle is a great city, full of wonderful people. Everyone talks about it with great fondness and love. Heck, I’ve been there 3 times. But for some reason, the day before my journey to Seattle, I’m scared.
Not only am I leaving Texas, but I’m living a piece of my dream: leaving Texas! [laughs] I’m also getting closer to finding true love and having a family and several other ands. I’m also embracing my life as a contract designer, an independent designer. It’s something I’ve known I should be doing but it just seemed like a big-*ss mountain to climb. But I am an authority when it comes to design, which scares me.
To put quite frankly: I know s***. And my full-potential has not been realized by anyone, not even to myself. I’ve had several people tell me “I cannot wait to see where you end up. You have so much talent inside of you.”
Why not take a chance on myself when others are so willing?
Why not take a chance on myself when others haven’t been so willing but I knew who I was and what I stand for and what was inside of me?
Why not take a chance on me?
“I traveled to New York to see Bryant Park, a place I deem most romantic, to inspire me that true love is waiting for me in the future. Until then I’m working on loving myself.” — from October
Food, Music, Books, Design, Travel, Love, Life
November was full of comforts, several attempts at reconnecting with my heart, and a Declaration of Independence. I made the decision to make Seattle happen no matter what. The How is yet to be determined.
This month I went camping for the first time, in Big Bend out in west Texas. It was incredibly beautiful and not at all uncomfortable as I imagined camping in the desert to be. It was cool enough to sleep, warm enough to play. I’ll always remember staring up at the stars from my tent… just dreaming and wishing upon a shooting star as I used to when I was a teenager. I know now that dreams don’t happen without some effort of the dreamer. It’s an optical illusion, a self-delusion, a magic trick or TV show ending I won’t spoil. All I can say is I’ve got to make this work and happen.
I managed to ween myself off cake and onto ice cream for comfort food and healing a broken heart. I don’t feel as open to love as before Treu, but I’m hoping to get back there soon, however that may be too much to ask. I’ve struggled a lot with just feeling my feelings just as I have before, and also trying to simply let him go. There’s also some residual Bright feelings I’m trying to let go of, too. But I think that will be on-going for a long time.
I spent a lot of time visiting the arts district of Dallas and viewing art, spending time with friends, trying not to let my pain get me into too much trouble, viewing modern homes, looking at orphaned dogs and cats on websites—just trying to remember that there’s life beyond the sad puddle I’ve been in.
I didn’t travel, write music, or read much in November. I spent most of my time just watching movies, working, and preparing for Seattle by getting my name out there as much as possible. So far no luck but I’m hoping things turn around when I get there on December 10. I already have a place booked on Airbnb for a month. We shall see what happens!
I’m really really nervous and can’t help the apprehension in my tone when I tell people I’m moving to Seattle with no floor to walk on. But I’m trying to subdue that feeling with positive thoughts and hard work. I’ve been pretty lucky in my life so far so maybe it’ll work in my favor this time. Wish me luck. :]
What to expect for December 2012: finally living in Seattle!!!
- I’m a survivor! 2012 has been a year of weathering storms. I slid past a blizzard in the wintertime. I survived seven tornadoes in the springtime. And now I’ve survived my first hurricane, Hurricane Sandy, in the autumntime. I flew to Brooklyn to just get away from things that reminded me of Treu for a weekend but ended up being stranded for longer. Read more about it.
- A House Could Be a Home I’m really happy that I got to experience my first modern home tour, held by the Dallas AIA. They were all really incredible. It felt like my dreamblog (nsfw) was being realized.
- What to Do With Uninvited Guests I was in the guest room at my mom’s house when I heard a loud scratching noise in the walls. Next thing I know I hear a plate move in the kitchen. I text my sister and she investigates. What she found was a partially nibbled apple. WTF! No that ro’didn’t! We put out sticky traps to get this sucka and take care of him once and for all! I truly wish I could’ve gotten the whole thing on video. There’s no correct way to describe my panicky convulsions and my sister retreating to her room every time the mouse moved on the pad (oh wow, “mousepad” haha — I get it!). Eventually, we braved the Applethief by shoving the pad and mouse in a grocery bag and leaving it in the backyard for the stray cats to eat. The bag was not there the next day.
- Outdoorsman One way to get some clarity after a breakup is to put yourself in a totally unfamiliar situation. For me that was the possibility of getting trampled by a pack of javelina in the Texas desert. My friend, Amanda took me on my first camping trip at Big Bend near the US/Mexico border. I had a lot of fun going on photo excursions, waving at a real-life Mexican from across the Rio Grande, and not bathing for a couple of days. On this trip, I learned I could survive a droughtland (desert) too. I realized that because of how hurt I felt from the breakup that I might feel vacant and desolate for a while to let everything grow back. What I like about camping is that you find alternate ways of living. Instead of meals, you buy Lunchables at the store beforehand. There was a peak in the mountains at Big Bend that I just stared at during a lunch break. It was solitary but solid.
- Show ‘Em Your Moon After declaring my independence as a contractor and not taking the full-time job in Seattle, I began intensely working on my online portfolio.
- CHIHULY I’ve wanted to check out the Chihuly exhibit at the Dallas Arboretum for months. And when my hurricane buddy, Chelsey, said she could sneak me in I knew it was the perfect time to go. It required a shuttle into the park; I couldn’t figure out why. A-class treatment? Regardless, we had a great time and snapped a lot of cool photos of Chihuly’s glassworks and toured a home with some creepy nativity collections.
Takes a minute to find someone special
An hour to appreciate them
A day to love them
An entire life to forget them
Thank you, Rachel.
- Journey to Seattle I chose not to take the full-time job because it didn’t feel right. But I wasn’t about to let that keep me from living my dream of living in Seattle, so I decided to continue on with my plans of driving to Seattle and attempt to make it there.
- “I am… a virgin.” No, not celibacy again. Goodness, no. But I did cut off my frohawk as a means of alleviating the weight of all the stress, pain, and heartache I’ve been feeling. It works. I get it, Britney. I get it. (Queen Elizabeth reference)
- MOVE This Spotify playlist got me through November. I played that sucker on repeat night and day. Geographer’s Animal Shapes made me want to angry dance and cry in a corner, and Solange’s True album made me want to slow dance and smoke a blunt. Good combination.
I’m really looking forward to December, Seattle, and what lies ahead. It’s going to be crazy.
Part of the many resolutions for 2012 was to do something crazy every month. For the month of November I declared independence.
As previously mentioned, I took a chance on me and decided to try harder at being an entrepreneur and independent contractor. Now, that does not mean that I am automatically successful at it, it doesn’t mean that I won’t take a side job in the mean time. It just means that I decided not to take a job that would’ve made me unhappy.
It’s funny and kind of strange — I experienced similar events last year. I was let go from a similar job situation last summer, which kicked off my quarter-life crisis. I felt emaciated spiritually and creatively, so in hindsight I’m really happy they let me go (I was on my way out anyway but I was able to live off unemployment for a while because they beat me to the punch). On that note, they tried to fight me on unemployment, but in the end the state of Texas sided with me. So when the layers of this new job began to peel away, it looked hauntingly familiar, and I didn’t want to go down that road again.
I’ve been making decisions lately that put my happiness first. Sure, I would’ve loved to enjoy time with Treu longer, and yeah, a regular paycheck would’ve been nice, but they would’ve come at the expense of being honest with myself. I think it’s bookend events like these that let us see if we’re actually learning from past experiences.