- I’m good, I’m gone! Packed bare with only the essentials, my car and I set off westward without a safety net but minuscule balances on my credit cards and a little bit of savings. Somewhere outside of DFW, I could see the moon still before noon like a beacon before me leading me on a drive I had made several times this year, but this time it felt harder as I started to let go of my life in Dallas.
- Heart in repair After stopping in San Diego to see Grace, I stopped in L.A. to see Nick in full Christmas spirit and feeling better despite his accident and being in the hospital and surgeries and rehab! It inspired me to continue looking forward and not dwell on the tough decisions and heartache of yesterday; to make the best of today. Nick introduced me to some awesome eats in Silverlake—the salted caramel pie in particular.
- Shiver me timbers! I wanted to see my friends, Ashley and Tabitha on my way up but it didn’t work out. However, I did have time to make a brief hike off highway 1 at a butterfly reserve outside of Santa Barbara. From the bluffs I could see what I imagined to be a Peter Pan-hijacked pirate ship off in the distance, going somewhere for some adventure. I thought of Treu, the future, this crazy adventure I’m on, felt disbelief but carried on towards Monterey Bay and San Francisco to see Stacy and Suki.
- Keep Calm, Travel On After returning to Salinas to relive the first time Treu and I met each other and surviving that too, I was bound for San Francisco with a brief stop to meet and see Bri and Mr. A — finally. Seeing them interact together made me think of how crazy circumstances and fateful chances can bring two destined people together. After meeting that great couple, I met more at Suki and Ryan’s Crabsgiving. One couple in particular was a couple who had recently returned from exploring South America and another couple from Houston who recently moved together to SF. They commended me on risky journey of traveling alone to a place where I know not too many people, which is not really new to me after road tripping all over America.
- Thriving Even before I set foot in the city, I was delivering my resume and portfolio at creative agencies left and right. Surprisingly, the reaction to my portfolio was a lot of things like “Where have you been?!” and “How did we miss you???” I’ve been going on multiple interviews, meetings, and won some cool one-off jobs but nothing substantial yet.
- Aurora My first “I’m living in Seattle” shot of the Space Needle from 99.
- Tetradeca While I was working hard on getting my name out in the Seattle design scene, I finally put together a long overdue mix, arranged, mixed, and designed for. I’ve only handed it out to a few friends so far for feedback, but intend to release it when my portfolio launches. Who knows when that is but it’ll the Tetradeca Mix will be ready for downloading.
- Christmas in Seattle I vacationed with my mom and sister at Rancho Mirage, Palm Springs, CA, before driving back with them to Texas. It was a little rough at times with certain tempers, but I made out just fine. My grandmother did not like the quick visit on Christmas Eve, but she appreciated that I snuck in time to see her. I had a red-eye flight out on Christmas Day to which everyone I met was really kind. Ah, the human spirit at Christmastime!
- Wish I Was the Moon Tonight Even with other more important things to worry about (like finding food to eat), my thoughts of Treu continued to make me sullen in the spare minutes when I wasn’t working so hard to make it in Seattle. I finally caught up with him to see how he was getting on. Turns out, fairly well, which eased my mind quite a bit.
- This Is a Bittersweet Goodbye, 2012 2012 was a great year from start to finish. It was a year of listening to my inner voice(s) and being brave and taking risks. I ended the year at a gay bar in Seattle learning to dance on my own.
“I traveled to New York to see Bryant Park, a place I deem most romantic, to inspire me that true love is waiting for me in the future. Until then I’m working on loving myself.” — from October
Food, Music, Books, Design, Travel, Love, Life
November was full of comforts, several attempts at reconnecting with my heart, and a Declaration of Independence. I made the decision to make Seattle happen no matter what. The How is yet to be determined.
This month I went camping for the first time, in Big Bend out in west Texas. It was incredibly beautiful and not at all uncomfortable as I imagined camping in the desert to be. It was cool enough to sleep, warm enough to play. I’ll always remember staring up at the stars from my tent… just dreaming and wishing upon a shooting star as I used to when I was a teenager. I know now that dreams don’t happen without some effort of the dreamer. It’s an optical illusion, a self-delusion, a magic trick or TV show ending I won’t spoil. All I can say is I’ve got to make this work and happen.
I managed to ween myself off cake and onto ice cream for comfort food and healing a broken heart. I don’t feel as open to love as before Treu, but I’m hoping to get back there soon, however that may be too much to ask. I’ve struggled a lot with just feeling my feelings just as I have before, and also trying to simply let him go. There’s also some residual Bright feelings I’m trying to let go of, too. But I think that will be on-going for a long time.
I spent a lot of time visiting the arts district of Dallas and viewing art, spending time with friends, trying not to let my pain get me into too much trouble, viewing modern homes, looking at orphaned dogs and cats on websites—just trying to remember that there’s life beyond the sad puddle I’ve been in.
I didn’t travel, write music, or read much in November. I spent most of my time just watching movies, working, and preparing for Seattle by getting my name out there as much as possible. So far no luck but I’m hoping things turn around when I get there on December 10. I already have a place booked on Airbnb for a month. We shall see what happens!
I’m really really nervous and can’t help the apprehension in my tone when I tell people I’m moving to Seattle with no floor to walk on. But I’m trying to subdue that feeling with positive thoughts and hard work. I’ve been pretty lucky in my life so far so maybe it’ll work in my favor this time. Wish me luck. :]
What to expect for December 2012: finally living in Seattle!!!
If months were children, October would be my nightmare problem child.
Music, Books, Design
At the end of September, I began demo-ing and creating loops and samples for the eventual song I’m going to make. I don’t think I will be able to complete and share it by the end of the year, given that I’ll be prepping and moving to Seattle. I haven’t been working on it too much, however. So I’ve still got some reformative thinking to do on my motivation. I seem to think “Well, how about I complete all of my other projects first so I can focus on just music only.” The reality to that is I’ll always have other projects to work on as well as books upon books to read.
I’ve been reading Happier Than a Billionaire in addition to Colin Wright’s How to Travel Full Time, both of which I’ve been reading since June in my off time. I’ve begun thinking of the next few years and backpacking Europe. I’ve also had this nagging feeling that my planning is futile. I’d rather do it with someone I love—friend or lover. But waiting to live until someone else comes along to want to join sounds more ridiculous, so I continue to plan. I’ve both lost sight of who I am and recognized who I am and what I want from life. So I created something to help out with that.
I’ve worked on the next iteration of my logo and working on my visual identity. I’m still expanding it to all my networks and am even thinking about a new online identity. Things with Seattle job are a little slow, so taking on some freelance work to supplement my income. I’m all around excited about my design career and revamping my portfolio. I’m extra excited and a little daunted about tackling coding from start to finish. In the past I just threw something online for potential employers and clients to look at, but I want to make this redesign the real deal. Once that’s done, I can begin to work on the redesign for Endeavors.
Travel, Love, Life
For the past couple of months I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with a very special person in San Francisco. We Skyped/Facetimed every night, we held hands everywhere we went, he communicated very well, he was responsible for his actions in our relationship, he was incredible and an amazing boyfriend. We never truly solidified if we were boyfriends or not, but we were exclusive. When I met him, I immediately deleted all my dating apps and told my friends about him. They thought I was insane, but fell in like with him too when they met him.
How could I let someone like that go? Well, while we’re both great (the passion! astrological lava!), we differed in terms of what we wanted. I knew and I think he still needed time to figure out. We were just in different places, which is lame. After we broke up, I hadn’t anticipated locking myself up in my room in the dark, eating nothing but cake for a week. I was an emotional wreck.
“You’re looking for a prince charming that doesn’t exist.”
But he does. I am one. You are one, too. The thing about Disney princes is that they weren’t perfect. Eric wouldn’t kiss the girl, and Charming showed up too late.
All men can be princes. But we tend to let the doubt in who we are—our insecurities—keep us from being the best we can be and who we truly are. We meet people along the way that encourage us that the prince we’re looking for is really us.
I don’t want someone perfect and polished. I just want someone who can communicate well and is healthy and wants babies and loves to travel and explore and learn and appreciates the arts because I am the arts embodied in 143 lbs of flesh, bones, blood, and a heart filled with love ready to be given. I’ll give it to myself.
I’d like to say that I’ve been invigorated and rejuvenated since breaking up with Treu, but I haven’t. I have moments where I’m struggling to mentally get up. I traveled to New York to see Bryant Park, a place I deem most romantic, to inspire me that true love is waiting for me in the future.
Until then I’m working on loving myself.
What to expect for November 2012: finalizing plans to move to seattle, and finishing projects
- Treu visited Dallas, and I took him on a Texas highlight tour. We had Tex-Mex, ate fried food and saw Chinese lights at the State Fair, and happened upon the Pecan Street Fair in Austin. We also stopped by the Fort Worth Zoo before it closed and got an impromptu dance from this Asian elephant.
- I was really sad when I drove Treu to DFW and watched him ascend the escalator going home to San Francisco, ever trying to get just one last look before he disappeared into the airport. It was my last time to see him. We broke up nearly two weeks later. The new Hunt-Hill bridge and this sunset after dropping him off were the first things to remind me of our time together. To put it less eloquently, all the sads.
- My mom wanted to go on a trip with me, so we decided for Houston since I’ve never truly gotten a sense of the city. Before our trip I didn’t really *get* Houston, but after visiting I finally understand that Houston is a big a** cool town. Also, it had good art, culture, shopping centers, and food. My mom and I also got manis and pedis together. So in addition to getting acquainted with Houston, it was a bonding experience for mom and I. Good times. We also visited Galveston, which was nice but also lived up to its reputation for having bad beaches.
- While we were in Houston, we —well, I— visited the Museum of Fine Arts and immediately sought out a Turner. To my surprise, I was disappointed. I usually love Turner, as he is my favorite Romantic era painter. Usually I can walk into a gallery room and *know* a Turner, but I didn’t so maybe that killed the experience for me. Even still, I love Turner and the MFA was pretty cool. For the price of one visit, you get to see 3 buildings-worth of art. Mmm!
- I decided to have a culture weekend in Dallas by visiting the Dallas Museum of Art. One piece that’s in the DMA’s permanent collection is Jean Arp’s “Star in a Dream.” It reminded me of a dream of love that I used to dream. And I guess, to this day I still dream. I meant to go to the Nasher as well but didn’t have a chance. It was a great visit. I felt so inspired.
- I also went to the Rufus Wainwright show at the Meyerson Symphony Center in the Arts District. I had realized the fate of Treu and I, so I was really needing to hear Rufus’s “Sometimes You Need,” which I frequently listen to when I need a comforting hug or just to feel like someone understands what I’m going through. Afterwards, I did something pretty stupid. Nevertheless, the art weekend inspired me to work on some personal design work.
- One of the things I worked on was the new iteration of my logo and identity, seen here in different versions. If you’re on dribbble, you can follow me there.
- For this iteration I wanted to portray a diamond shape, each point representing my passions and the number 7. I’ve been in a state of questioning who I am and what I’m about. A visual representation of that has helped keep it clear.
- After breaking up with Treu and now having another reason to be haunted by Dallas-Fort Worth, I needed to get away. And what better place than New York. New York bears one of my romantic places, Bryant Park, which I visited with my friend, Daniel, a designer living in Brooklyn. I also saw more of the city and went shopping for shoes. Daniel and I walked around Williamsburg and Bushwick to the pier to see how crazy the water was rocking. Boy was it.
- Little did I know that Hurricane Sandy was on its way to Brooklyn as well. Daniel, Jessica, and I went rations shopping at the local grocery store. Jessica’s boyfriend was flying in from North Carolina as well. So it’s been almost a week of staying in, watching movies and TV shows, and cooking and drinking (Dr Pepper, of course). As I’m writing, the power hasn’t gone out and Sandy has passed through without doing much damage to Brooklyn. Manhattan however is flooded over and without power, so I won’t be able to fly out of LaGuardia for a while.
- I went to Austin for a pretty good business meeting. I walked around downtown Austin pretending to live there. It felt nice, though a bit of a stretch.
Translation: “Loneliness only exists when your abandon yourself…”
- While I was in Austin, I got some much needed Linda time. It was great to work and talk with her!
- Little me in the second grade. I was very self-conscious about my lips then. I’ve learned to see them for what they are — part of me.
- I went home to the country to hang with my family. It was really nice to hang out with my mom and my sister for a while.
- Treu and I decided to meet up again in San Francisco. We really liked hanging out so much when we met that I instantly used my SWA points to go see him. We had a great time eating, sleeping, working, playing, walking, running, exploring together.
- I finally saw the Golden Gate Bridge on my 3rd visit to SF. I really enjoyed spending time with Treu in Sausalito and the Muir Woods in our ZipCar named Waffles. Treu surprised me with Fiona Apple tickets and we saw the SF Opera perform Verdi’s Rigoletto.
- Walking hand in hand to the opera was amazing. I’ll never forget my birthday.
- A friend on Facebook had 2 tickets to Beach House in Dallas so Chelsea and I gladly took them and had a great time. I haven’t had a spiritual orgasm during a concert since I saw John Mayer perform “Gravity” at Fair Park in 2007. It was an incredibly amazing time.
- Treu was visiting me this time, so I used his visit as a hot prod in the butt to clean out the backroom. In the end, the backroom was cleared out, my old bed set moved back there, my sister got a new bed set, and the junk you see is organized. Treu and I darted all over DFW and Austin. We saw the Chinese Lantern Festival at the State Fair. Everyone was looking at us (smug). And we kissed in the gardens at Joe T’s in Fort Worth.
- In Austin, Treu happened upon the Pecan Street Festival by accident. It was really cool in typical Texas fashion. We listened to great music, ate great stuff, and got assaulted by a pug puppy.
September was a great month. On the plane to San Francisco, I wrote down what I want to accomplish over the next few years, where I would like to go. I feel I have drive again and direction.
In the end, there was never enough time with Treu and never enough sleep. I made him a mixtape ending with a song called “October” by Helio Sequence that said “Keep in mind the next time / Raise your eyes, there will be a next time.” I hope to see him again soon.
How was your September?