I woke up this morning lying about imagining intimate scenarios as I often do on worn-out Saturdays. But today I decided to let go and let my mind wander. I lay limp on my stomach, sinking into the sheets, simply breathing. My heart sent a message to my mind about Treu, the guy I was dating last year. As I usually do when I think about him, I sent him positive thoughts and hoped he was doing well and enjoying life. I started to reflect on my own life and how sore I’ve been. I realized that I have so many things to be grateful for by simply living in Seattle. I’ve learned a lot about myself in this “Texile” (exile from Texas). One thing is that my first impression of Seattle still exists—it’s still beautiful and amazing. The rough spots I’ve had here are because of an incident earlier this year that happened. I’ve tried to write about it many times here but it was too difficult. (I’d like to remain private about it, but in the matter of your concern, I’m more than okay. For a while I was not, but I’m returning to solid swiftly.) That experience along with the fall out with Treu before I moved spurred a return to being a distrusting person, and thus my heart fell back to steely close. Today, I had enough clarity to understand the past year or so, and now I’m ready to start again. With this clarity, I feel centered and confident, not existing but living with aim and purpose.
Ironically and exactly 2 years later, I’m asking the universe for my soul-part back, so that I can begin to open my heart again—to trust and be trusted, to love and be loved, to give and be given.
Beauty of life.
Making out is awesome, agreed?
I really like to make out, like a lot. I remember a friend of mine told me his ex called him a “kiss freak” once, and I instantly thought, “ME TOOOOOOO!” And while I love to make out, I can’t just make out with anyone. For me to truly enjoy making out with someone, I have to feel safe in being vulnerable with them. Needless to say, there’s a great deal of trust that goes into locking lips with someone—for me, at least.
Usually what gets me to be comfortable with someone isn’t after a few drinks or quaaludes, but just talking with them and getting to know how they feel and what they think about life… and making out all day. Because those are two of the most important things in my life right now: enjoy life and wanting to make out all day. Like a runner, I have stamina and good pace. “Oh, you need a break? Fine. 5 seconds. … And we’re back to our regularly schedule program.”
I love intimacy. I love squeezing his waist and caressing his cheekbone softly and a gentle tug of his bottom lip with my teeth.
And I like being the big spoon and scraping the back of his neck with my prickly beard—except, I like to rub away the scratch marks with the soft tip of my nose and the bare part of my cheeks.
And I like squeezing him tight with my arms and wrapping my legs around his legs, like an anaconda preparing a prey for the big gulp. But it ends up being like a burly man bear-hugging his wife of 30 years—with laughter and tenderness.
And then I like to bite his neck like a vampire before he sucks his victim’s veins dry. But it ends up being more humane and ultra soft—think puppy bites and nuzzles.
And then I like to tickle. Relentlessly.
So, let’s hope I find someone whom I can trust to do that with for 30+ years. I’m sure it’ll still be awesome when all our teefs fall out, right?
Now that I live on the west coast, I’ve been hearing about San Francisco a lot more than usual. Any time someone mentions a street or intersection, I’m like “Oh yeah,” I’ve walked that street before. Any time someone mentions the fog, I know all about it. Any time someone mentions they want to live there, I roll my eyes and spout about how crazy it is there. I get very openly bitter about SF instantly.
Sometimes I would hear myself say these things and wonder why I was being so negative, and then stop wondering all of a sudden. It wasn’t until recently when someone from the SF office of the company I’m working with in Seattle visited that I actually allowed myself to confront my hate for SF. He spoke fondly of it, smiling. I realized that I don’t actually hate San Francisco. I still love it even though it’s batsh*t crazy with its live street sex festivals and relaxed views on everything and angry hobos and… SF is just a great town.
I realized also that the hate I had for SF wasn’t really about SF. It comes from having missed someone from SF that I grew sick of missing. I got tired of thinking of the city and wondering “What if maybe” this or that and realizing every time that “this or that,” wouldn’t change who me and that someone are. Often you can love someone so much and want the best for them and want to be there when they win, but you’re not meant to be. It’s what makes Life an *sshole sometimes—these harsh realities.
While I was hesitant about returning, I visited SF in April and I instantly knew my way around: BART—no problem, MUNI—no problem; North Beach, the Mission, SOMA, Embarcadero, the Wharf, Union Square—no problem. The sun was mellow but bit me a little in the end. I walked the streets like it was my backyard. I left my heart there once. During that trip, I left it again knowing that I wouldn’t be returning to get it back.
I felt comfortable leaving my heart there because I truly do love that crazy *ss city.
Dream of Love (Interlude)
I couldn’t sleep last night as my mind began to wander about. I was lying there anticipating the impending fall weather approaching and how it makes me feel extra romantic and cozy. I started to dream about all the things I would love to do with a *someone*. I wanted to list off the many things in my head but felt it better to keep the schmaltz to myself.
My dream is my motion. It’s up to Whomever’s in charge of the Love Department to grant what my heart desires.
I only hope there’s enough to do all the things on that list when the motion is granted.
Autumntime. I feel it coming every day. The slight chill in the air; the sway of the trees quickens and slows like a dance in real time to slow motion. My heart makes itself known as a heat source and its pulsing rhythm beats in time with my strut as I walk from my bus stop downtown to the various business going-ons I’ve had going throughout the week. Fall weather always make me romantically lonesome. I notice couples walking together or holding hands or lying on the lawn in the park with their baby. I can only hope I’m given the gift of someone’s love this fall.
Ever since I’ve moved to Seattle, I’ve wanted to try to make the dream happen. That’s what this Seattle move was all about: come here, fall in love, start a music career, advance in my design career, get a dog, get an apartment, settle down a little; let the city be my missing jigsaw puzzle. But I think you can’t force Love to come to you. You can’t give it a deadline. It appears when it’s ready. You just have to be open. You can try for a relationship, but who wants a relationship without real love.
I want real love—it’s something I’ve tasted and smelled before. But I just want to roll around in it, get myself dirty with it and never shower, smell like it; simply be in Love. I guess time is a factor in that, too.
In matters of Love and Relationships, it’s important to know what you want. I want my heart to be a magnet for real love. I guess for Love to come to you you have to be patient, kind, and humble—you have to be Love.
What do you want?
Thanks to Phil for “that word” I couldn’t place.
I caught wind of the online dating experiment called 40 Days of Dating in my Facebook news feed. I didn’t quite understand it at first. All I saw was pictures with drawn letters on them and then I realized, oh maybe I should click on them. And man, when I did I found some pretty insightful thoughts about love and relationships. People come together by a feeling or an experiment or a look or a touch and somehow when those initial drives wear off, our past and what makes us tick and our quirks bubble to the surface to meet this new person in our lives.
I find 40 Days of Dating really enlightening. I catch myself nodding each day and comparing their relationship to old relationships. I identify with both Tim and Jessie. I’d say I’m more like Jessie in relationships; I’m less confrontational than I am in other arenas of my life. We’re also alike in the needing to indulge in our relationships when we feel comfortable around someone. We’re comfort animals. I connect with Tim like most guys or people with a long dating history. Will it come back to haunt me is a constant worry, albeit for me it’s less present in my every day life but it is something I’ve thought of and found peace with.
As I read through each day of the challenge I find things that they reference, say or do as epiphanies. I never thought to write them down until now, the 36th day. Here are some things I’ve learned from 40 Days of Dating:
- In relationships, we can get upset or hurt with someone for something we seemingly think they are doing to offend us. When sometimes (most of the time?), it’s our own issues that we have a problem with, not someone else’s actions. Case in point: Jessie met a guy who was dating one of Tim’s ex. Tim grilled her to ask what she told him, thinking she said something to paint him in a bad light. Jessie couldn’t remember what she said. Tim thought she was lying or trying to cover up what she said by playing dumb. They fought for an hour over something that didn’t happen. They fought for an hour because of Tim’s insecurity of his past and his current image.
- I now know the signs of a commitment-phobe. I feel like a lot of guys have been commitment-phobes at some point. Here are a few characteristics: Long history of brief relationships, often moody and hates planning, loses interest when things get serious.
- The challenge where they hold hands for eight hours was the best thing to experience for me as a reader. It made me want to find someone I’m mildly interested in and go off on adventures around the city holding hands all day. They peed together, ate together, road taxis together, everything together. It was romantic, challenging, but they learned how to work together. Also, I just love holding hands.
- “Talk like best friends, play like children, argue like husband and wife, protect each other like brother and sister.”
- Sometimes the dominant one in the relationship is actually subdominant in their personal understanding. Tim makes the calls most of the time. He can be rigid and less explorative because he’s afraid to commit. Jessie is non-confrontational so she complies. But from an outsider’s perspective, Jessie should be standing up for what she wants. Because Tim obviously does not know. Even if a person appears dominant or he’s “the man” in the relationship, the other person should know and stand up for what they want. What ends up happening is the other person’s wants become your wants. But that’s not what you want!
- “great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people”
- I’ve also got a handful of recommendations from Jessie and Tim: Le Petit Prince, The Writer’s Journey, Pete Rose’s bio, It Might Get Loud—a Jack White documentary, to just name a few.
- Listen to your body (this includes your heart). This is probably the most important thing. I did this in the Year of Voices with great results. Chronic body aches are a sign that something in your everyday routine is not working for you but against you. Seek to change and feel better.
What’s also awesome about this experiment is that it’s a massively collaborative effort between not only two designer friends but their designer, illustrator, artist, developer friends. 40 Days of Dating is a great web series you should check out for at least the awesomely illustrated GIFs and cute videos. I can’t wait to see what happens at the end.
Update: Apparently there will be a movie or TV series.