Category Archives: love

Musings about love — the give and take

Anniversary Six

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Happy anniversary to my best friend, ex-boyfriend, business partner, travel buddy, sugarholic sponsor, the sun to my moon. 6 full years of wild and crazy, sexy and romantic, angry and frustrating, dependable and loyal, inspiring and rewarding times. I have learned so much knowing you.

Me and Brandon after cleaning out our "treehouse" and "hangar".

6 years ago today, I received a really sweet message online from a rather dopey and nerdy guy from a rather obscure city east of Dallas. Since then, we’ve done a lot of growing up together as friends, as lovers, as co-workers. I’m so glad to have gained a great friend like him.

After cleaning and scrubbing today, we closed shop on our/his apartment, which we called our “treehouse” and “hangar.” It was really hard to let it go, but we’re both eager to move on to the next stages of our lives. We sat in each room remembering significant moments staged there, and other memories over the years: waffle parties, the Last Airbender and Cosby’s marathons, the breakups, the reconciliations, when I got a kidney infection, when he got kidney stones, his first solo apartment, my last solo apartment, Shadow as a puppy, drowning in the lake, starting a company, when we first met, so on and so many.

We reminisced over sparkling grape juice and bleachy all-purpose cleaner. Here’s to many more adventures.

Cheers.

Year of Voices: January

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year-of-voices-january

What once were scattered, off-key, and hushed, my voices (heart, body, mind, spirit) are becoming more and more steady and unified this month. After being fired from my full-time job, realizing I had been in a quarter-life crisis, ending a 6-year love saga in November, disappearing into the rainforests of Costa Rica in December, and bouncing around New York earlier this month, I’ve been settling in again at my mom’s spare house here in Dallas/Fort Worth. It began with looking at this house and seeing how it looked and felt like me, broken down, worn out, and falling apart still. Yet it still has a fighting chance to be great.

Life
I originally thought I would stay here for a few weeks, but it’s been over 2 months. It’s been great, however, and my mom is glad someone’s taking care of the house while she’s away. But I have a plan. I’ve decided that I’m moving to Portland in July and studying psychology for a while. Not everything’s solid yet but I have a firm belief that I will get there. It’s been a dream of mine to live in the Northwest for a long time now. It would be great to live in that experience; a dream coming true. Overall, my life is going pretty well and quickly forming into what it should be, thus turning me into who I need to be.

Love
I haven’t been dating. Maybe I have. I can’t tell. I meet up with people thinking they’ve read my OkCupid profile and what I’m looking for (“activity partners, long-distance penpals”). But I always see that disappointed face when I tell them that I want to be single, and I’m only looking for friends. It also sucks because they’re really awesome and interesting enough to probably be more than friends, but I know that I could not give them truly what they’re looking for. I keep in touch with all of them, and they’ve all moved on with their search for love and relationship.

Truth time: I miss Brandon throughout my entire day everyday. At times it gets hard, and I have to chain myself to the toilet to keep myself from driving to see him and throw this whole crazy idea of being a confident, strong, self-trusting individual behind. But it wouldn’t improve our relationship at all. It would make it worse. Every time I see him, I see that he’s trying so hard to cope, and I just want to… be there. But being there makes things worse. It’s a given – this is just a tough, not pretty situation. I’m doing my best to respect distance and his feelings. The muscle still aches.

Design
I feel like I’m getting more and more in tune with my designer prowess again — slowly but surely. With my dual-ownership company taking a backseat, my solo freelance will be taking the wheel. I’m working with one of my long-standing clients and collaborating with a photographer friend of mine on my portfolio site. The design of which is going so well. I’m surprised at how I’ve gotten back on the design saddle; like riding a bike I guess.

Travel
Ending 2011 with Costa Rica and New York was a big finish to a really crappy (yet oddly rewarding) year. Gratefully, New York leaked over considerably into 2012. I remember lying on a friend’s couch in Queens, thinking “I was just in Costa Rica. Now I’m in New York. This is it. My life is traveling.” The moment signified a tremendous turn in my life. The moment also signified that this year will be full of travel. Confirmed: Las Vegas for Bloggers in Sin City, Los Angeles for VidCon — both are repeat cities, but I’m beyond excited to see them again and with new faces to meet.

Food
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more adventurous in trying new foods. To name a few: Vietnamese, Thai, Costa Rican/Tico dishes have graced this tongue. With meeting a new friend, Matt, I’ve discovered new foods in the veganish-vegetarian realm. I quite like shopping at natural/organic food stores than say, Walmart. Don’t think I’ll be converting to full vegetarian anytime soon. I am a Texan after all.

Music
As I mentioned recently, I’m going to be recording a song and producing it on my own as a project for getting comfortable with hearing my voice and not being afraid of instruments. I am ridiculous. But it’s a lifelong fear that I’m trying to eradicate. I believe I have a gift that I’m not letting shine. So, here we go: a Year of Voice.

Chicken List
I think a lot of my Chicken List will be knocked out in 2012. I told you it’s going to be a bold year. My balls are bigger than ever, and I am ready to kick Fear straight dead in his *ss. This month I conquered my fear of singing karaoke. It was relatively painless, and I wasn’t even drunk. I also bought a rock-climbing pass from livingsocial.com.

Do Something Crazy Every Month
While I’ve done a lot of things that could be consider “crazy” in January, my one crazy event was spurred by my spontaneity. On a whim, and with a little added peer pressure from some other bloggers, I registered to attend the Bloggers in Sin City unconference in Las Vegas (duh). And I have been prepping for it ever since! I already have my outfit for Mad Men night, and my flight ticket is bought. I’ve been researching some shows I want to see in Vegas. I was hoping Celine or Bette would be in season, but they’re not. Ah well! Apparently we have to wear wigs to this unconference, so maybe I’ll just be Bette.

Abstinence
Gawd! Even with my new boyfriend, this is rough. This is the hard part of coming out of a relationship where sex was readily available. But! Still going strong.

What to expect for February 2012: February is cleanse month; clearing out my Twitter favs, Tumblr likes, email accounts, more in-house minimalism, doing an actual cleanse with BluePrintCleanse. A trip to Austin to see my friends Linda and Ashley. Reducing debt as much as possible. And rock climbing!

How to Pick Up Sinewy Latinos

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I was on my way home from hanging out in Dallas that evening when I called up my friend, Marlon and we ventured into the Gayborhood for a drink (of course, a water for me). It was definitely a night for testing our courage. We went out to the local gay cowboy club and watched people dance on the floor: a “queen of the night” Doc Brown type, a few Joes, and a rather dashing, sinewy Latin guy who caught Marlon’s eye. I could see why! Triple rhyme not intended. He was very handsome and he could really move. Yes, he was sexy. He was a man. But was he Marlon’s man? I hastened Marlon to go talk to him. Why not! He wouldn’t budge. Sinewy Latin Guy (or SLG henceforth) left with his friend. We hopped from club to club and they all were dead — on a Sunday night! That used to not be.

After buzzing around, we landed at the older man/leather daddy club, which didn’t have much of either or anyone for that matter, except for SLG! Again, I tried to get Marlon to talk to him, but no go. Meanwhile, a really old cowboy from the gogo boy bar down the street was eye-ing me (and I was very much looking in the other direction). Guh! After the Old Cowboy realized I was not interested, he passed on; probably to another club looking for another young thing. — It was the hoodie. I swear it makes me look college-aged. Is 25 considered college-aged? [brushes thought away]

So Marlon and SLG didn’t seem to be happening. Marlon was ready to go, so I suggested we go in the direction of the SLG first. I was going to show him how to approach someone. All I did was go up to SLG and his friend, and said first to SLG that he danced really good at the cowboy bar. He and his friend were embarrassed. It was really cute. I wished them both a good night and that was that. I could have carried on the conversation, but I just wanted to show Marlon that he was just like anybody else.

I’ve been there: See a cute guy who makes you feel all gooey and warm inside (and outside, okrrr). I’ve also been really chicken about approaching a cute guy. To some extent I still am, but that’s for another blog post. Cute, beautiful, gorgeous or not, homeboy (or homegirl) is like everybody else. He poops in a toilet (hopefully), he brushes his teeth (hopefully), and he has bills to pay (unless he lives with his parents). He’s just like you. Don’t think of yourself as less. Say hi.

6AM

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I always get these profound thoughts when I’ve been fighting sleep all night. And now I’ve run out of fight.

I keep holding on; afraid that if I let go, I’ll never get the chance to “have it in my hands, to hold forever.” I’ve held it and it felt great.

All year I’ve embraced minimalism; I’ve sold nearly everything or given it away. I’ve let it all go.

But this, this is different. Those were things I bought. This is something I’ve dreamed of for years, and finally made a reality. It was hard.

And now I’ve got to let it go — for me. It almost sounds ridiculous. But I’m worth it. I’m worth that same amount of hard work and love. It’s a lot, and I require more than anyone can give me or has been able to.

If I can give it to you, then I can give it to myself. I’ve never been able to, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t. All I have to do is try.

When I Was One-and-Twenty

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I came across this A.E. Housman poem in my journal when I was 17. It seems like I planted it there for my future self. I’m 25 now, but certain my 22-year old self would’ve appreciated it.

When I Was One-And-Twenty
A.E. Housman

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
“Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.”
But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
“The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
‘Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.”
And I am two-and-twenty,
And oh, ‘tis true, ‘tis true.

I wasted some really cool years being heartbroken and depressed. I don’t want to waste anymore years feeling the same. Let’s have fun. :]

Soul-parts

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“When we get involved in intimate relationships, we share ‘soul-parts’—we leave a little of ourselves with the other person. This is why it hurts [so] bad; we have this empty place that we need to heal.

Old-timers used to say it takes about a year to settle the soul; to heal that place that is empty. Here’s one better: Yes, the year is good, and during that year, you can ‘call back’ that soul part to come back to you. That’s what meditation, prayer and yoga do—they clean up that place that was torn, and it makes ready to receive the soul-part.

I thought this was bunk, you know that ‘yeah, ok, right’-it’s a ‘we know everything when we are young’ thing. But after [a] relationship that left me so broken and torn, I decided, ‘Hey, can’t lose. Give this a try.’ And I gave it a year. And I studied meditation, prayed and started a yoga practice that lasted me for 30 years and kept me healthy—and within a year, I asked for the ‘hole in my heart’ to be healed. The Uni-verse is compassionate and always answers us, and I met someone who reminded me that I lost a part of my soul—a little soul-part, and they told me ‘All you have to do is call it back in—ask!’ So I did, and it worked!

Always give yourself time to heal, take time (do not rush, another relationship will not heal a broken heart), and just ask for that soul-part to come back to you.

It will happen, the memories are lessons. You know better, you will do better, and welcome in [the] new when you are healed and ready.

Blessings and love to you in your journey!” — Zuddamind

I never fully healed from getting my heart broken 6 years ago. I think I’m really tired of staring at a gaping hole in my chest. It’s not conducive to generating self-love. I want my soul-part back, and I want to heal.

I am ready to start.

On Tr(ying Ag)ain

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On Tr(ying Ag)ain *
It has been 5 years of riding this broken train,
reluctant to get off and gritting my teeth to try
but I am back on again—trudging along.
We have entered a new place in this world,
but all the old places are stuck in the corner of my eyes.

I am captivated by the scenery once more:
A golden sun atop mountains and
waving trees that pass us on,
I want it all in my hands to hold it forever.
Is it not enough to connect? To be near
not of?

You operate by strict fluidity: no form, no shape, no track
and there is nothing to brace myself for the turn;
This train. We are soul mates now;
until the last axle corrodes, we ride
But where are you taking me?

* “On Tr(ying Ag)ain” was published in the North Texas Review (2010) as “On Trying Again.”

Remembering Corpus Christi

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I’ve been on a lot of trips this year. One of my favorites was the weekend trip Brandon and I took within our own home state of Texas down to Padre in the middle of wintry February. It was uncomfortably chilly in DFW. The previous week of our trip, I was snowed in for a week. So to relieve my cabin fever we were on a runway out of town! Here’s a few shots I got with my HTC Incredible:

Left to Right: Brandon asleep at Dallas/Love. Hotel Valencia restaurant on the river in San Antonio. Brandon hunts for shells in Corpus. The Gulf *engulfs* Brandon's imagination. Brandon looking toasty at the airport before our return home.

I’ll always remember holding hands, walking and eating at the Riverwalk with him at night, which has always been my favorite romantic thing to do. I’m glad I finally got to do it with my best friend and love of my life. — Anyway, schmaltz aside. We flew to San Antonio and spent the night in this really swank hotel called Hotel Valencia right on the San Antonio River. Kudos to Brandon for his hotwire.com skills.

With so little time, we swiftly took the rental all the way down to the coast. I remember having the window down and smelling the Gulf, hearing the gulls squawk and squeal. Sigh. Eating at a really cool pier eatery called Snoopy’s Pier and watching pelicans take flight right off South Padre Island Drive. We explored the desolate North Padre Island after we hit up a Port Aransas beach. Brandon brings up often that at some point in exploring the beach where I pushed him down in the sand and relentlessly tickled him while a couple watched us with amusement. I don’t remember that. ;] Also, the simplicity and awesomeness of watching crap TV with Brandon in the hotel and eating pizza definitely made for the best down time ever.

It was particularly enjoyable that we were getting sunburned and toasty, playing on the beach, while everyone in North Texas was being snowed in. >:]

I’ll be posting the mixes/soundtrack from the trip over the next couple of days, so stay tuned.

Do Not Open This Folder

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This post is entirely too honest for its own good, so much that I almost didn’t post it. But the things we think shouldn’t see light, probably should. Good or bad consequences.

I have a folder on my hard drive called “Do Not Open This Folder” that I am not to open under any circumstance. Marked confidential on November 25, 2008, on the premise that if I open it I will cry without relent, scream with discontent, and wonder what the actions committed meant. But kept for the off-chance (the hope) that I could open it again. Coincidentally, I opened it exactly 3 years later.

I will admit that I have opened it once or twice over the years, but upon shedding at least 2 computers over the past 6 years and moving files to several hard drives, I forgot about it. Until last night when I was constructing a mixtape series documenting the past 5 years of loving someone. In all honesty, most of it is filled with sad songs (we’ve broken up a lot), but a lot of it is filled with hope and things that I would say to him. Things that perhaps I’ve already said, but I could say a zillion more times.

Have you ever had something you really needed to say? Something that meant everything, but no matter how many times you said it, the many ways you said it, the message was never received — either misunderstood or denied. It just didn’t go through, like a missed call that just never connected to begin with. Maybe it’s already been said, and for that maybe it’s lost its power. The one power you had to save it all wasn’t strong enough to withstand the odds.

Within the “Do Not Open This Folder” was another folder called “Polarboo,” a nickname for someone that loved the cold with the tranquil temperament of a polar bear. Cuddlesome, too. The contents of that folder were memories. Pictures, music we made for each other, IM conversations, notes, letters, emails, everything else.

I believe it was on November 25, 2008, I said to myself, “Forgetting about him is for your own good.” Even though I didn’t believe it and eventually couldn’t. It was the 3rd time we had broken up and I felt fooled, bamboozled, neglected, stranded with love that did not meet its destination.

However, it did, several get-back-togethers later. But I think by then the damage had been done. Maybe foolishly, maybe with the wisdom of an old man — I still believe in that love. Despite feeling like I’m standing still, the world beneath me, around me continues to spin.

The Weepies, “The World Spins Madly On”

Wine and Love #2

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Wine and Love is a list of things lately that has made me want to turn to drinking and things that have made me fall deeper in love with life. Thanks to Walking With Nora for starting this weekly series.

Wine
Currently blogging from my phone because B spilled water on my computer, which is at the computer hospital.

Currently lying in bed watching my hulu queue because I’m having back problems, which might be kidney problems. Sigh. My body has been falling apart these last few months. I won’t go into specifics, but it’s been one thing after the other.

Love
B, even though he obliterated my computer.

My mom expressed that she wanted to get rid of her car… By putting it in my name. Okrrr!