Category Archives: love

Musings about love — the give and take

Eyes

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Your eyes have a certain sadness and softness that’s not sadness but really concern or intent to know. I love that about you.

People talk about true love and love at first sight. The first time I saw you you were on the balcony of my apartment looking out at the Denton skyline. You were wearing your dark blue and yellow baseball cap you wore until you lost it, a grey hoodie and jeans that you gave away to charity, and blue and yellow Skechers that lost their sole.

I had prepared for you: cleaned, showered. But you came sooner than expected. I hadn’t put on shoes when I opened the door — to find you there looking past the adjacent apartment buildings from the 3rd floor balcony. There was a pause to acknowledge a familiarity — a kindred spirit; when my soul and heart said hello to your soul and heart.

A bond we try to break every year to no avail.

You have changed across many years and I have changed, too. But your eyes are still the same.

If they should leave you one day, there will be your laugh, your crooked fingers, and gnome kisses.

Our friendship was built. Our love created the first word you sent and the first word I read.

All of this nestled in three words.

On Keeping My Legs Closed

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In my recap of February, I stated that I fell off the wagon with abstaining from sex. When I consciously made the poor decision to break my abstinence, I justified it by saying “it will bring us closer” and “he will fall in love with me again.” And now I am here almost a month later, and an embarrassing week of clinic visits, to say to my past self: You’re an idiot. You are no closer than before, and he doesn’t love you more either.

While I’m not going to get down on myself too much, I will say that I have learned to keep my heart open but my legs closed. It’s important to remember why I chose to abstain anyway: I am really good at having sexual relationships. Like, really good. And while that’s great and all, having that skill means so little in comparison to what I really want and need: a healthy, loving and mutual relationship. Putting the kabosh on my sex life will allow me to focus more on connecting deeper and fuller and longer. More than anything, I want to exhibit that skill with someone worth receiving it.

I will say that in having sexual relationships (involving a deep connection and not), making love is hands down MORE pleasurable, MORE gratifying, and MORE fulfilling than sex. With that said, I’m more than ready to shed my Samantha devilish grin for my Carrie zsa zsa zsu (Can I get a retweet for that SATC reference?).

You see it in the movies and TV shows all the time, and it never works out. It always backfires, whether it’s for power, money, or love and affection. It just doesn’t work. Sex is so easy, but it lasts for 5 min. Despite being an over-used cliche, it’s true: true love lasts forever. Trust me.

I encourage you to keep a choosy mentality when it comes to sex. Don’t give it up until you and your partner are on the same page. Don’t use sex to leverage love and to get what you want/need. I’m not gonna say you’re a slut, but that action shows you value someone else’s goods over yours. In other words, you don’t value yourself. If you don’t value you, no one else will. And that’s not right. At all.

Remember: You come first. They come second.

No pun intended.

Note: I’m not an advocate for abstinence, but I do think it’s a good practice when you’re ready to commit yourself to finding a loving and mutual relationship with someone. If not, have a (very safe) ball. Again, no pun intended.

Video: Treavioli Is Lackadaisical About Boys and Seagulls

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I was really ecstatic that Nicole asked me to fill in for her on Totes Awesome Channel while she was away on vacation. Not only that, but the girls made me feel really welcome by choosing the week’s topic based on something I said on Twitter. And I say a lot of stuff on Twitter so it’s a good thing that at least one thing stuck.

The video’s a little awkward because I haven’t truly vlogged or edited video in a long while! But it’s somewhat entertaining. Check it out!

Year of Voices: February

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I was really glad that January turned out so well. I was listening to my unified Voice and accomplishing a lot. But then February came and started to miss my ex, and got distracted by other people that I lost my focus on me. I lost balance. However, I did get to see my heart open.

I feel my heart opening again. My mind is finally allowing me to. My soul is saying “It’s about time.” And my body: “Oh hellz yes!” — February 21, 2012

I’ve been feeling 19 again and anytime I want to backslide into what I have been (age 45) I’m reminded in a harsh way that’s not the route to take. Stop looking back, a voice says. I don’t know what forward looks like, but it’s my canvas to paint.

Life
Life overall was pretty good, aside from some soreness in my heart (see “Love”). As I stated before, I didn’t listen to my Voice enough in February. I beat myself up a lot today and yesterday because I hadn’t accomplished as much as January. I’ve mostly felt like I’ve backslid back into some old habits. But consequences and receptions have told me, I can’t go back to those things anymore. I am different. I am too big for those shoes. My family and friends have reminded me that I have done things that most people wouldn’t and haven’t done. And yet, I’ve ignored those voices. I’m really good at listening, but lately I haven’t been. I’m hoping to do better in March.

Love
In January I admitted that I missed my ex. February proved the same. I went crazy and made some mistakes. I compromised my goal of staying abstinent for a few months, just to be reminded of what it felt like to be there in that moment with him. And I don’t regret it because I learned that it’s not the same anymore. Our spiritual selves are not the same, and I must move on. As somber as the painted Southwestern sky — pastel red, it is love; sharp red, it is desire; soft blue, it is the truth—my love fades into the darkness, to be revealed again another day. I have to say goodbye to then, and say hello to what will come.

/sentimental-me

I’m naturally jaded. If not him, then I don’t know who else. But I think that’s just my resistance to that type of change—even though I know it’s for the best.

Recently, I’ve stated that I’m done. Done with trailing after my ex, done with calling him my ex, done with dating, it all. But I guess my heart wouldn’t be open then. I’m not sure I want it to stay open. Maybe I’ll figure it out in March.

Design
I haven’t really grown in this arena this month. I’ve actually treated it like singing. Stalling on growing in it… it seems like a mountain to me at times. I think that’s partially why I feel like February wasn’t successful.

Travel
Travel was the only area I feel excelled in. I took a trip to the Midwest alone in celebration of Singles Awareness Day/Valentine’s Day. I noticed a lot of people whining on social media that they didn’t have anyone, as if life couldn’t be lived without a boyfriend or girlfriend. So I took a road trip through the cold alone. And I was fine, I was great. Until I left Memphis into Little Rock. My ex and I climbed a mountain there that was representative and crucial. I cried cried cried. I was a mess. I ended up in Austin, which also made me a little bitter. And I think it made me not want to be anywhere we had been, together or separately. I don’t want to be reminded that we were together, or that we’re not together. I don’t want to be reminded.

I am looking forward to seeing the Northwest and the Southeast in March. Very excited. :]

Food
Other than Fong’s Pizza in Des Moines, I can’t remember anything else that hit the spot in February. The Chicken Little at Jackalope’s in Austin was okay but made my stomach hurt like most bar food does. But Fong’s was fantastic and delicious. But I won’t elaborate since I’m still drafting the rest of my Midwest posts. Velvet Taco has become a favorite place of mine, thanks to Matt! That #18 just keeps calling me—the Dublin Dr Pepper too. Mmm.

Music
Ha. Another area where I feel I failed. On my Midwest Trip, I intended to record a video of me singing a song at every stop. I was too chicken. What was a great idea was dragged down by my over-thinking. A friend and business mentor stated recently, “You’re so great at many things. You just haven’t found that *one* thing.” I mentioned that it might be the one thing that I keep running away from: singing. He then asked me to sing, and my head instantly went into a thought-spin. I tried to find a song to sing—I know many—but couldn’t remember the words. And I thought stupid things like… “The song I pick to sing has to be representative of me, and impressive, and so fantastic that people around us will pee their pants and go insane, and they’ll post a video on YouTube, and I’ll be an instant hit, and labels will want to sign me, and I’ll keep declining them because I don’t want my love for singing to be a business….” So on and so on. Eventually, I just sang the opening lines to “The Prayer” (as sung by Andrea Bocelli and Céline Dion).

And Josh was impressed by my voice. Everyone usually is. Why do I hide it? If you see me, ask me to sing. No matter where. It shouldn’t matter. The more I’m put on the spot, the more I’m comfortable with singing.

Chicken List
I didn’t accomplish a lot on my Chicken List in February, but if you count the solo road trip as a Chicken, then there’s one. And I also used a public shower, which is still weird, but I’ve broken the barrier.

Do Something Crazy Every Month
In February, I set out to embrace my singularity—to embrace “alone”. I went on a road trip of the Midwest. I never felt lonely, really. Maybe it’s because I met bloggers and friends along the way, but for those 5–8 hours of driving between stops, I was in my own world. It felt great. A friend of mine one said that she could never do that. But you can, it’s so easy. Once you start, it’s just like driving anywhere else. Pick a destination and go.

In connection with Love and Being Crazy, I told a friend of mine that only crazy people fall in love and are happy in relationships. That I used to be crazy, but not anymore.

G: you think you are not cray? (wait cray means crazy right? cause you are well cray)
Me: i’m not. and yes
G: boy you have your own business under the age of 30
you just travelled by yourself across half of america in a car
you are just back from a trip with someone you never met before to south america
that sh*t cray!
Me: … that is pretty cray

It’s crazy how much I’ve gotten acquainted with courage that I forget that it’s even there within me. Hmm. Something to carry forth.

Abstinence
Failed. See Love. Re-focusing.

Reading
I’m currently reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. I wish I had more time to dedicate to it, so I can read in one sitting. But it’s great so far. After meeting famed book designer, Chip Kidd, and hearing him speak on being inspired by the books he’s designed, I feel like reading his entire catalogue. Consider me a fan boy! :]

What to expect for March 2012: March is cleanse month, continued; clearing out my Twitter favs, Tumblr likes, less Facebook consumption, email accounts, more in-house minimalism, doing an actual cleanse with BluePrintCleanse. Reducing debt as much as possible. And rock climbing!

Year of Voices: January

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year-of-voices-january

What once were scattered, off-key, and hushed, my voices (heart, body, mind, spirit) are becoming more and more steady and unified this month. After being fired from my full-time job, realizing I had been in a quarter-life crisis, ending a 6-year love saga in November, disappearing into the rainforests of Costa Rica in December, and bouncing around New York earlier this month, I’ve been settling in again at my mom’s spare house here in Dallas/Fort Worth. It began with looking at this house and seeing how it looked and felt like me, broken down, worn out, and falling apart still. Yet it still has a fighting chance to be great.

Life
I originally thought I would stay here for a few weeks, but it’s been over 2 months. It’s been great, however, and my mom is glad someone’s taking care of the house while she’s away. But I have a plan. I’ve decided that I’m moving to Portland in July and studying psychology for a while. Not everything’s solid yet but I have a firm belief that I will get there. It’s been a dream of mine to live in the Northwest for a long time now. It would be great to live in that experience; a dream coming true. Overall, my life is going pretty well and quickly forming into what it should be, thus turning me into who I need to be.

Love
I haven’t been dating. Maybe I have. I can’t tell. I meet up with people thinking they’ve read my OkCupid profile and what I’m looking for (“activity partners, long-distance penpals”). But I always see that disappointed face when I tell them that I want to be single, and I’m only looking for friends. It also sucks because they’re really awesome and interesting enough to probably be more than friends, but I know that I could not give them truly what they’re looking for. I keep in touch with all of them, and they’ve all moved on with their search for love and relationship.

Truth time: I miss my ex throughout my entire day everyday. At times it gets hard, and I have to chain myself to the toilet to keep myself from driving to see him and throw this whole crazy idea of being a confident, strong, self-trusting individual behind. But it wouldn’t improve our relationship at all. It would make it worse. Every time I see him, I see that he’s trying so hard to cope, and I just want to… be there. But being there makes things worse. It’s a given – this is just a tough, not pretty situation. I’m doing my best to respect distance and his feelings. The muscle still aches.

Design
I feel like I’m getting more and more in tune with my designer prowess again — slowly but surely. With my dual-ownership company taking a backseat, my solo freelance will be taking the wheel. I’m working with one of my long-standing clients and collaborating with a photographer friend of mine on my portfolio site. The design of which is going so well. I’m surprised at how I’ve gotten back on the design saddle; like riding a bike I guess.

Travel
Ending 2011 with Costa Rica and New York was a big finish to a really crappy (yet oddly rewarding) year. Gratefully, New York leaked over considerably into 2012. I remember lying on a friend’s couch in Queens, thinking “I was just in Costa Rica. Now I’m in New York. This is it. My life is traveling.” The moment signified a tremendous turn in my life. The moment also signified that this year will be full of travel. Confirmed: Las Vegas for Bloggers in Sin City, Los Angeles for VidCon — both are repeat cities, but I’m beyond excited to see them again and with new faces to meet.

Food
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more adventurous in trying new foods. To name a few: Vietnamese, Thai, Costa Rican/Tico dishes have graced this tongue. With meeting a new friend, Matt, I’ve discovered new foods in the veganish-vegetarian realm. I quite like shopping at natural/organic food stores than say, Walmart. Don’t think I’ll be converting to full vegetarian anytime soon. I am a Texan after all.

Music
As I mentioned recently, I’m going to be recording a song and producing it on my own as a project for getting comfortable with hearing my voice and not being afraid of instruments. I am ridiculous. But it’s a lifelong fear that I’m trying to eradicate. I believe I have a gift that I’m not letting shine. So, here we go: a Year of Voice.

Chicken List
I think a lot of my Chicken List will be knocked out in 2012. I told you it’s going to be a bold year. My balls are bigger than ever, and I am ready to kick Fear straight dead in his *ss. This month I conquered my fear of singing karaoke. It was relatively painless, and I wasn’t even drunk. I also bought a rock-climbing pass from livingsocial.com.

Do Something Crazy Every Month
While I’ve done a lot of things that could be consider “crazy” in January, my one crazy event was spurred by my spontaneity. On a whim, and with a little added peer pressure from some other bloggers, I registered to attend the Bloggers in Sin City unconference in Las Vegas (duh). And I have been prepping for it ever since! I already have my outfit for Mad Men night, and my flight ticket is bought. I’ve been researching some shows I want to see in Vegas. I was hoping Celine or Bette would be in season, but they’re not. Ah well! Apparently we have to wear wigs to this unconference, so maybe I’ll just be Bette.

Abstinence
Gawd! Even with my new boyfriend, this is rough. This is the hard part of coming out of a relationship where sex was readily available. But! Still going strong.

What to expect for February 2012: February is cleanse month; clearing out my Twitter favs, Tumblr likes, email accounts, more in-house minimalism, doing an actual cleanse with BluePrintCleanse. A trip to Austin to see my friends Linda and Ashley. Reducing debt as much as possible. And rock climbing!

How to Pick Up Sinewy Latinos

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I was on my way home from hanging out in Dallas that evening when I called up my friend, Marlon and we ventured into the Gayborhood for a drink (of course, a water for me). It was definitely a night for testing our courage. We went out to the local gay cowboy club and watched people dance on the floor: a “queen of the night” Doc Brown type, a few Joes, and a rather dashing, sinewy Latin guy who caught Marlon’s eye. I could see why! Triple rhyme not intended. He was very handsome and he could really move. Yes, he was sexy. He was a man. But was he Marlon’s man? I hastened Marlon to go talk to him. Why not! He wouldn’t budge. Sinewy Latin Guy (or SLG henceforth) left with his friend. We hopped from club to club and they all were dead — on a Sunday night! That used to not be.

After buzzing around, we landed at the older man/leather daddy club, which didn’t have much of either or anyone for that matter, except for SLG! Again, I tried to get Marlon to talk to him, but no go. Meanwhile, a really old cowboy from the gogo boy bar down the street was eye-ing me (and I was very much looking in the other direction). Guh! After the Old Cowboy realized I was not interested, he passed on; probably to another club looking for another young thing. — It was the hoodie. I swear it makes me look college-aged. Is 25 considered college-aged? [brushes thought away]

So Marlon and SLG didn’t seem to be happening. Marlon was ready to go, so I suggested we go in the direction of the SLG first. I was going to show him how to approach someone. All I did was go up to SLG and his friend, and said first to SLG that he danced really good at the cowboy bar. He and his friend were embarrassed. It was really cute. I wished them both a good night and that was that. I could have carried on the conversation, but I just wanted to show Marlon that he was just like anybody else.

I’ve been there: See a cute guy who makes you feel all gooey and warm inside (and outside, okrrr). I’ve also been really chicken about approaching a cute guy. To some extent I still am, but that’s for another blog post. Cute, beautiful, gorgeous or not, homeboy (or homegirl) is like everybody else. He poops in a toilet (hopefully), he brushes his teeth (hopefully), and he has bills to pay (unless he lives with his parents). He’s just like you. Don’t think of yourself as less. Say hi.

6AM

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I always get these profound thoughts when I’ve been fighting sleep all night. And now I’ve run out of fight.

I keep holding on; afraid that if I let go, I’ll never get the chance to “have it in my hands, to hold forever.” I’ve held it and it felt great.

All year I’ve embraced minimalism; I’ve sold nearly everything or given it away. I’ve let it all go.

But this, this is different. Those were things I bought. This is something I’ve dreamed of for years, and finally made a reality. It was hard.

And now I’ve got to let it go — for me. It almost sounds ridiculous. But I’m worth it. I’m worth that same amount of hard work and love. It’s a lot, and I require more than anyone can give me or has been able to.

If I can give it to you, then I can give it to myself. I’ve never been able to, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t. All I have to do is try.

When I Was One-and-Twenty

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I came across this A.E. Housman poem in my journal when I was 17. It seems like I planted it there for my future self. I’m 25 now, but certain my 22-year old self would’ve appreciated it.

When I Was One-And-Twenty
A.E. Housman

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
“Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.”
But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
“The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
‘Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.”
And I am two-and-twenty,
And oh, ‘tis true, ‘tis true.

I wasted some really cool years being heartbroken and depressed. I don’t want to waste anymore years feeling the same. Let’s have fun. :]

Soul-parts

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“When we get involved in intimate relationships, we share ‘soul-parts’—we leave a little of ourselves with the other person. This is why it hurts [so] bad; we have this empty place that we need to heal.

Old-timers used to say it takes about a year to settle the soul; to heal that place that is empty. Here’s one better: Yes, the year is good, and during that year, you can ‘call back’ that soul part to come back to you. That’s what meditation, prayer and yoga do—they clean up that place that was torn, and it makes ready to receive the soul-part.

I thought this was bunk, you know that ‘yeah, ok, right’-it’s a ‘we know everything when we are young’ thing. But after [a] relationship that left me so broken and torn, I decided, ‘Hey, can’t lose. Give this a try.’ And I gave it a year. And I studied meditation, prayed and started a yoga practice that lasted me for 30 years and kept me healthy—and within a year, I asked for the ‘hole in my heart’ to be healed. The Uni-verse is compassionate and always answers us, and I met someone who reminded me that I lost a part of my soul—a little soul-part, and they told me ‘All you have to do is call it back in—ask!’ So I did, and it worked!

Always give yourself time to heal, take time (do not rush, another relationship will not heal a broken heart), and just ask for that soul-part to come back to you.

It will happen, the memories are lessons. You know better, you will do better, and welcome in [the] new when you are healed and ready.

Blessings and love to you in your journey!” — Zuddamind

I never fully healed from getting my heart broken 6 years ago. I think I’m really tired of staring at a gaping hole in my chest. It’s not conducive to generating self-love. I want my soul-part back, and I want to heal.

I am ready to start.

On Tr(ying Ag)ain

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On Tr(ying Ag)ain *
It has been 5 years of riding this broken train,
reluctant to get off and gritting my teeth to try
but I am back on again—trudging along.
We have entered a new place in this world,
but all the old places are stuck in the corner of my eyes.

I am captivated by the scenery once more:
A golden sun atop mountains and
waving trees that pass us on,
I want it all in my hands to hold it forever.
Is it not enough to connect? To be near
not of?

You operate by strict fluidity: no form, no shape, no track
and there is nothing to brace myself for the turn;
This train. We are soul mates now;
until the last axle corrodes, we ride
But where are you taking me?

* “On Tr(ying Ag)ain” was published in the North Texas Review (2010) as “On Trying Again.”