If months were children, October would be my nightmare problem child.
Music, Books, Design
At the end of September, I began demo-ing and creating loops and samples for the eventual song I’m going to make. I don’t think I will be able to complete and share it by the end of the year, given that I’ll be prepping and moving to Seattle. I haven’t been working on it too much, however. So I’ve still got some reformative thinking to do on my motivation. I seem to think “Well, how about I complete all of my other projects first so I can focus on just music only.” The reality to that is I’ll always have other projects to work on as well as books upon books to read.
I’ve been reading Happier Than a Billionaire in addition to Colin Wright’s How to Travel Full Time, both of which I’ve been reading since June in my off time. I’ve begun thinking of the next few years and backpacking Europe. I’ve also had this nagging feeling that my planning is futile. I’d rather do it with someone I love—friend or lover. But waiting to live until someone else comes along to want to join sounds more ridiculous, so I continue to plan. I’ve both lost sight of who I am and recognized who I am and what I want from life. So I created something to help out with that.
I’ve worked on the next iteration of my logo and working on my visual identity. I’m still expanding it to all my networks and am even thinking about a new online identity. Things with Seattle job are a little slow, so taking on some freelance work to supplement my income. I’m all around excited about my design career and revamping my portfolio. I’m extra excited and a little daunted about tackling coding from start to finish. In the past I just threw something online for potential employers and clients to look at, but I want to make this redesign the real deal. Once that’s done, I can begin to work on the redesign for Endeavors.
Travel, Love, Life
For the past couple of months I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with a very special person in San Francisco. We Skyped/Facetimed every night, we held hands everywhere we went, he communicated very well, he was responsible for his actions in our relationship, he was incredible and an amazing boyfriend. We never truly solidified if we were boyfriends or not, but we were exclusive. When I met him, I immediately deleted all my dating apps and told my friends about him. They thought I was insane, but fell in like with him too when they met him.
How could I let someone like that go? Well, while we’re both great (the passion! astrological lava!), we differed in terms of what we wanted. I knew and I think he still needed time to figure out. We were just in different places, which is lame. After we broke up, I hadn’t anticipated locking myself up in my room in the dark, eating nothing but cake for a week. I was an emotional wreck.
“You’re looking for a prince charming that doesn’t exist.”
But he does. I am one. You are one, too. The thing about Disney princes is that they weren’t perfect. Eric wouldn’t kiss the girl, and Charming showed up too late.
All men can be princes. But we tend to let the doubt in who we are—our insecurities—keep us from being the best we can be and who we truly are. We meet people along the way that encourage us that the prince we’re looking for is really us.
I don’t want someone perfect and polished. I just want someone who can communicate well and is healthy and wants babies and loves to travel and explore and learn and appreciates the arts because I am the arts embodied in 143 lbs of flesh, bones, blood, and a heart filled with love ready to be given. I’ll give it to myself.
I’d like to say that I’ve been invigorated and rejuvenated since breaking up with Treu, but I haven’t. I have moments where I’m struggling to mentally get up. I traveled to New York to see Bryant Park, a place I deem most romantic, to inspire me that true love is waiting for me in the future.
Until then I’m working on loving myself.
What to expect for November 2012: finalizing plans to move to seattle, and finishing projects