Note: This post was written before May 1, 2012 but posted later due to the X-Factor audition and traveling.

April always make me feel like colors are springing out of my pores. April has been a feel good month for me. I got to experience things that I’ve wanted to for years. I let my feelings go where they needed to. I absorbed a lot of really good design, and even felt my design muscles get even stronger. I returned to places where I experienced triumph and promise of a great future to have the same experience renewed and retold yet the same promise: better comes. I tried old things again, I tried new things, I followed my heart and remained dedicated to keeping it open.

Life
Life couldn’t be greater in April. Enough said.

Love
It was a formative month for love in April. The time that I had dreaded when my ex told me he was moving on had come. Tough news but I made peace with it gracefully. I drove to Austin to clear my head and climbed a mountain in Little Rock to find my peace and understanding with the whole situation. I realized that everything will be okay and what I need and want will fall into place.

I’m sitting in Houston Hobby, safe from a flight out of Dallas. And of course, seeing couples flying together gets me a little wistful. However, I noticed an elderly couple being disrespectful to each other — a woman grumpy and condescending, probably tired, and a man exasperated and lost on how to appease her, probably tired. It reminded me of what I don’t want.

My ex and I saw the Garland Symphony Orchestra courtesy of some timely discounted tickets I scored through Livingsocial. It was something I’ve been wanting to do for him. Our first date was to an Imogen Heap concert in 2006, and he was thoroughly inspired. So I wanted to give him that experience again. It was my first time seeing an orchestra live. We both enjoyed it.

Design
It was a good month for design but I never completed a project, except for updating my resume. I was thoroughly inspired by other designers and entrepreneurs that I chilled out on my own work. I did, however, by an iPad and immediately began designing a blog reading app for it.

I’ve also been greeting a lot of interest from recruiters, so I’m hoping to land a steady job soon.

Travel
Venturing to Austin to settle my heart storms wasn’t the only trip I had in April. I managed to make it to Little Rock to celebrate Earth Day by climbing the Pinnacle again with the magnificent Linda. It was a great bonding experience. We checked out a really cozy coffee shop and people watched while blogging. Like most places, Little Rock has some quirky and interesting people. It was a great trip that ended with a phone call from a recruiter mentioning a job in Little Rock. I don’t see myself living there though. We came back to Dallas and enjoyed my new favorite this year, Velvet Taco.

Despite getting anxious before the drive to Little Rock, I’m surprised I didn’t go crazy with the lack of travel in April. DFW events like attending the symphony in Garland with my ex, bike-riding at Ciclovia de Dallas and chilling out at the Denton Arts and Jazz Festival with Stacy helped distract me.

Towards the end of April I traveled to North Carolina for my X-Factor audition.

Food
At the start of April I did a 3-day cleanse and it was hard. I was a near cannibal by day 3. And at 11:59 I was in the drive thru at Whataburger. It was a good thing to do, though. Maybe I’ll do it again next year.

I reflected on how my palette has changed as I’ve gotten older. What helps is that I have friends that have adventurous tummies. Linda and I have an inadvertent tradition of me trying something new every time I see her. But I think I just like trying new things. I tried sauerkraut and a purple ice cream pie for the first time at Purple Cow Cafe in Little Rock. Both were weird but good. I also tried pulled pork at a BBQ joint in Little Rock, too. Delicious!

Music
It was a particularly strange event boarding the plane bound for an experience that I had wanted for years. My mother, who discouraged me from auditioning for American Idol at 16, walked me to the check-in line at the airport. It was incredibly strange. The experience of journeying to North Carolina for a vocal audition had a completed circle in many ways.

All month I’ve been preparing for a potential audition for the X Factor in North Carolina. I never found a coach, but I feel I’m ready to do well and have a lot of fun. I’m really excited to being doing this. I’m attempting to make my dream come true, and as soon as I get in line for a wristband to audition, I will have already won in my mind. I’ve been plagued by doubt for so long that I’ve let that doubt inhibit what could happen. So I’m trying and that’s all that matters. Anything else is a cherry on top.

Update: I scored a wristband and a seat ticket, so I’m definitely auditioning for X-Factor.

Books
I finished The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot and it was amazing. The experience of not being able to put a book down led me to start reading the Hunger Games trilogy. I really enjoyed the movie, but I’m having a little trouble getting into the first book, The Hunger Games. I’m hoping it will pick up a little bit more.

Cleansing
Cleansing! Per my goals for cleansing:

Online: Tumblr likes cleared. Less Facebook consumption. As a result, I’ve used Dribbble more so I can connect with other designers. I’ve cleared out a lot of my email accounts. I’m hoping to close at least one account in April.

Health: Super healthy this month. I did the cleanse and felt renewed. I went to the dentist after what seems like forever and was told that I was wasting the dentist’s time. *

Debt: My debt is still rising. But formulating a plan to reduce that.

House Clutter Reduction: I’ve mostly been working on my personal clutter, which is preparing for the big haul to Portland.

Abstinence: Lawd! It’s rough but I’m hanging in there. Spring is the height of my libido, but I’ve done a great job at resisting making babies. In not having sex I feel cleansed, though. So it’s a weird great feeling.

What to expect for May 2012: May is a completion month; I’ll be finishing a lot of projects I’ve been sitting on for a while, including finishing my portfolio and shop for companies to work with in the Northwest. As always, a lot of excitement and fun!

1. A Shelby Cobra I saw on I30.
2. The height of spring. (Addison Circle, Addison, TX)
3. Spring clean in need.
4. Spring clean in need.
5. Spring clean indeed.
6. After gathering some inspiration, I started drafting my new identity system.
7. The latest Esquire Black Book gave me a lot of ideas for fashion and design.
8. April is a month of flowers. My sister wrote me a poem and made me an origami rose. What a sweet pea!
9. My friend Phil surprised me with a framed photo from our Costa Rica trip last Christmas. What a goofball!
10. Ciclovia de Dallas: Me and Stacy checked out Ciclovia de Dallas and had a great time.
11. Ciclovia de Dallas: Tiger’s Blood! Mmm. It was a pleasant surprise that enticed, a shaving ice food truck, was at Ciclovia. Stacy and I went back for seconds, almost thirds, but you know… fatty conscience.
12. Little Rock: Linda scootin’ down Mt. Pinnacle.
13. I came upon a post on my Tumblr dashboard of this incredibly adorable Berenese mountain dog. And it sparked a riot inside of my heart. I want a dog.
14. Little Rock: Linda and I visited the Clinton Presidential Library. Pretty swank digs, Bill.
15. I bought an iPad as part of my Crazy for April. I won a contest for BiSC, which was the defining factor for getting one. I’m glad I did, I love it.
16. I saw this moth on the curb hanging out. I love spring.
17. I went home-home-home (the house I grew up in) and my grandmother’s former garden field was filled with Indian paintbrushes. I used to play in them when I was a little kid and bring bouquets to my grandmother. Good times.
18. I had an emotional time one night and ran away to Austin. On my return trip, I picked up some Round Rock donuts for Stacy’s birthday (and of course for my heartache). Boo!
19. I ordered bracelets on Etsy to help keep me solid. The ship’s wheel represents a sure foot in the right direction, and the anchor represents self-security.
20. Little Rock: Mt. Pinnacle! Linda and I made it all the way to the top.
21. Denton Art and Jazz Festival: I go every year and enjoy the food, giant lemonade, and smooth jazz. It’s a great time to sit and watch the cute puppies, babies, and people passing by.
22. I completed my audition registration for X-Factor at the end of the April. I’ll yet to finish writing about my experience, but in short I’m glad I did it.
23. After carrying my iPad in a shirt for a couple of weeks, I finally bought a really nice sleeve from ColcaSac. I only wish they had them in human size. Seems extra comfy!

I always enjoy April. It’s probably the most eventful month of the year. I learned a lot, had a great time, and ate some good eats.

Honorable mention: Finishing the Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

How was your April?

I had driven 5 hours the night before from Hagerstown, MD, back into Raleigh, NC, to a hotel I booked in advance. But when I arrived at 3am, the door was locked and the Nightwatch was not answering my page, so I rung again — twice. He came lazily to the door, let me in but did nothing and provided no direction. Eventually he asked if he could help me with something, so I told him I had a reservation and he lazily made his way to the back of the front desk. After checking me in, giving me a form to sign, and shoving the room keys to me, he just looked off into the distance.

“… Uh… Where’s the elevator?” After pointing and saying “down the hall,” I pushed my plan for a psychological interrogation on this guy aside and crawled into bed.

…

After dropping off my rental car at Hertz, the shuttle driver called me a “mam” in front of a bus full of guys as I was getting off. Instantly, I was shuttled back to middle school trauma.

…

That same day I boarded my plane to go back home, which had 2 brief stops in Nashville and Birmingham. It was a full flight and because I checked in late yesterday, I had slim pickings for a good seat (Southwest doesn’t have assigned seating). I came to a row that had a free window seat that had an aisle seat filled by an older man who was texting on his phone. I’m a quiet speaker when I have low energy (I’m also impatient, especially with half a plane’s worth of people waiting on me to sit down), so he didn’t hear me when I said ‘excuse me, can I sit there?’ So I waved in the direction of his gaze and asked politely again. With a little reluctance, he got up and ushered me in. But our conversation later, featuring a concert pianist from Nashville, was a little strained. Turns out he was a psychologist from New York, and when I asked him what tips he could provide for someone interested in the field of psychology (me) he proceeded to tell me how to find and apply for college. Thus, solidifying him as a douchebag and me as an idiot for trying.

Throughout that plane ride I caught various topics between the Psychologist and the Pianist that I could have chimed in on considering my experience with them, but I felt my input was not wanted. I believe it was a culmination of my age (they were in their 50s), perceived inexperience as an adult, the communication issue from before, and unfortunately race (but that’s just speculation). I tend to assume intolerance is the main reason for miscommunication and misunderstanding in the South.

…

All of these occurrences had me thinking… how beneficial random connections could be to a person. One act of kindness could extend and span an array of relationships — one person making another smile, pass it on, repeat. But what happened that day was one person getting the worst of many and passing it forward. At some point I tried to save my karma by being polite to the Pianist, but she extended snarky douchery as well. And still when she complained about the sun being too bright upon landing in her native Nashville, I lowered the blind thinking that I was helping but she retorted with an exasperated request for me to raise it back up.

My bad for trying to help you, Penis-I-mean-Pianist. My advice to everyone in the world right now (including me), get laid for an entire week and get back to emitting positive vibes so that the world can be a better place for all to exist in.

Not that it’s a bad thing for my various worlds to cross but it’s just strange…. Sometimes it reveals itself in a different manner. For instance, in 2010 when I graduated college and was looking into reducing my loan debt, my friend Amanda (who previously was only known as the friend of a friend) turned me onto a blog called A Story of Debt, written by a grad student named Ashley. Upon snooping I found her Twitter and flagship blog, Writing to Reach You. Upon reading her main blog I saw that her and Phampants were starting a group in which bloggers could learn how to vlog throughout the month of August (or #VEDA). From there I met and got to know more bloggers and vloggers that have spurred more online and offline relationships. And it didn’t strike me until last month to even introduce my friend Amanda to my friend Ashley even though Amanda introduced me to Ashley and by extension, my other online friends.

Is your mind blown?

Of note: when my ex met my extended family, when my best-online friend met my best-offline friend, when my best friends finally met my ex, each time my best friends stepped foot in my childhood home, when my ex-roommate met my extended family (they thought she was a girlfriend).

I did my greatest and kicked ass, but I got a pass. At one point I thought I got an approving nod so I stopped, but I think the guy was as tired as I was. I am sooooooo glad it’s over! That was the longest 9 hrs of my life. I’m grateful for the experience, and I met a lot of great people. But definitely not for me.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT THROUGHOUT THIS PROCESS. I REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE IT. I’m not used to sharing my music aspirations with other people, and you guys made me feel welcome. *Thanks*

Being part of the behind-the-scenes, I did realize that the X Factor, American Idol, The Voice, etc., are not *just* singing competitions. They’re TV shows, which means they not only choose the greatest singers and personalities that have the potential to sell well, but they also choose the worst singers and crazy personalities that give their ratings a boost. With that said, some really good singers get passed over. Some try again the next year after taking singing lessons. They may improve technically but really it’s the promise of a product that gets them through.

This is not really a big truth and in no way am I saying that me not getting a Yes was based on whether I looked or sounded the part. But I knew going in that if I want a music career, through a TV show is not how I want it. When it comes to music, I want to create art not a product. I create products as a designer. When I sing, it’s more holistic than that. It feels like my soul is moving beyond my body and reaching depths my body could never reach. It feels cheap to do it any other way. With that said, I was relieved I got a No. Gaining the experience that I had been wanting for years and realizing it was just not my thing *and* meeting other singers who have shared similar stories with their gifts just made those 9 hrs of ridiculousness worth it.

So why did I do it if I knew I didn’t want to win the competition? I wanted the experience of trying. It’s something that has plagued me for nearly 10 years. Now that I have done it, I can stop wondering! I have the experience *and* more. Once I got into the Coliseum, I felt a major accomplishment. Just sitting there waiting with other Hopefuls made me grin like a fool.

Now I can say I’ve done it, and I feel a ton more confident about my singing ability than before. Strange how it took a No for that to happen, but really, it was the experience that meant everything to me.

Pretty excited about my X Factor audition tomorrow, May 1 at 8:00am. I’m hoping I have what they’re looking for.

Because of my audition, I won’t be posting my end of the month photos and recap posts until the end of the week.

I’ve been on the fence on whether to buy an iPad or not. I never really understood the purpose of having an iPad since you can do more with a MacBook (Pro). I sstrongly considering when I found a digital copy of the Animorph series and wanted an e-reader to read it on. I thought maybe a Kindle by Amazon or a Nook by Barnes and Noble, but they were quickly over-ruled when I realized Kindle had a Mac app. So it was settled on which device I would get (iPad). But…

the price. Lawd. Sigh. $$$

So I sat on it for a while and even asked Natasha to write up a review of her iPad to help sway me. But she’s an academic student, and I’m a designer so totally different uses; however she did mention a lot of things that appealed to me.

And then I won the Bloggers in Sin City/GelaSkins contest. So I *had* to get the iPad. Well… I didn’t have to but I needed a somewhat valid excuse to charge my credit card! But I’ve had it for over 2 weeks and I love it. I am now a reader!

It was the peak of summer and the sun was harsher than the day before. My ex had woken me early in the morning (aka 9am) to go climb. As with anything new and requires effort, I was stubborn but needed some motivation. Unfortunately there was a misunderstanding that turned into an argument that had a resolution involving Krispy Kreme donuts.

By the time we reached Pinnacle Mtn. State Park, I was more ready than I was at 9am. I stood at the head of the trail, psyching myself up: I can do this, I can do this. He’s going to make sure I don’t fall off reeling backwards like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. So, to the 2nd mile-mark I was fine. But there are 10 mile-marks. By mile 3 I was huffing and puffing like crazy and drenched, so I took off my shirt and wrapped it around my head, like an Arabman in the desert … without a camel to ride on. By the grace of periodic breaks, we continued to climb. Him in front and me struggling behind.

At some point the bounding over rocks started to wear on my body. My determination was strong, however. I laid on the rocks, heaving and gasping for air. Even in that moment, I knew I could do it. I knew I could get to the top of that d*mn mountain. But I needed him.

“I need you … to just … hold my hand. I know I can do it, but I need you to be here.”

He came to my side and instructed me to breathe and try to relax. He took the shirt off my head and informed me that I was overheating myself. He poured water on my neck. And I felt better. My breathing was steady, and he helped me up.

We journeyed on and made it to the top.

Floored, I exclaimed, “We’ve conquered a mountain together. We can make it through anything.” He agreed.

Making two people get along and work together is arguably the hardest thing in life. One of the most astonishing things I’ve realized in being part of a relationship is that usually when there is an argument, it’s not (just) because the other person is an idiot and is refusing to see your point of view. It is because they have their own point of view, their own needs that they want you to acknowledge and understand as well. I believe arguments happen when two people are being selfish at exactly the same time: I want you to understand and acknowledge my needs.

What I needed from him that morning was encouraging words while ignoring my moaning and groaning. He needed me to be gung ho about climbing a mountain. At some point I became gung ho about it, but I needed a graceful push to get me going first.

"The Spot"

When Linda and I came to the spot of pointy rocks I mentioned before, where he and I met each other figuratively in the middle and climbed the mountain *together*, I sent him a picture of that spot from my cell phone with the words “Do you remember?”

“Of course,” he said, followed by a smiley face. I issued gratitude to him for being a great lover and friend.

When we reached the peak of the mountain, other mountain-conquerers were resting and encouraging newcomers, taking photos of their triumph. I settled on a rock apart from the chatter and looked at the lakes and the tiny islands within them. I usually feel empowered when the wind is blowing. It’s like a gentle push in the direction I know I need to go. In that moment, it was blowing hard, nearly pushing me off the mountain, but I knew what it meant — to keep going, to keep climbing.

"This Rain" by Agnes Martin, 1960 (courtesy of Zwirner & Wirth, Emily Fisher Landau)

The Parable of the Equal Hearts
Agnus Martin

Once there were two lovers that had equal hearts.
One would pursue one,
the other would pursue the other.

Then the angels looked down and said:
“What a waste,” and made them perceive each other.
Their hearts melted into one.

They had no use for the world
so they leaped into the swift river.
This heart was always restless
and the only place where it had any rest at all was on the beach.

But even on the beach one said:
“I wish we’d never been made one.”
And immediately one half flew up in the sky
and the other half into the sea.
But they yearned for each other.
And when it rained the one in the sea said:
“This is a message from my other half in the sky.”
And when the water was evaporated from the ocean and rose
up, the other said:
“This is a message from my other half in the sea.”

The angels were stumped.
There’s one thing that God is not able to endure –
a suffering heart.
He felt one half in the sky and one half in the sea.

God thought what to do.
So the one in the sky fell down into the sea
and immediately both turned to sea water.
Ever since that time when the water is drawn up from the sea
and it rains this is not an ordinary rain. It’s the rain
that affects people and softens them.
I painted a painting called This Rain.

I accomplished something this day.