December 2011:

I’ve been particularly silent to people close to me. Few of them can relate to what I’m going through right now — maybe to a small degree or a snippet or a chunk. But few have had a mutual connection with someone else. So when things kind of blew up between myself and my lover of almost 6 years, they naturally conjured all the times we’ve had trouble, broken up, etc. — which is awesome.

But not what I needed, which was encouragement and someone to hear me out. And granted I know everybody has their own lives and problems to deal with — but your job as a person who cares is to listen.

Because after the conjuring of the old times and the recent troubles, comes the judgment of being someone on the outside. Someone who “sees clearly” what should be done, who’s heard all the sob stories of how wrongs were committed this way and that, and are quite frankly tired of hearing any more of it.

So I’m giving them a break.

I’m giving my Tumblr followers a break. I’m giving my Facebook friends and family a break. Not that I’m over-sharing, but I have a habit of (vague) honesty with any medium set in front of me. [Hi, I'm an artist.] If I feel sad or happy, I express it. However, there is that voice in my head when I’m ready to submit a tweet, status, or a blog that says “Wait. Are people going to think you’re weak for posting that really introspective and depressing lyric written by that really cool band everybody identifies with but only express when they want to seem cool?” Most likely. And some will probably read these things and think, “Wow. Sounds like he’s going through something. I should probably say something, but I don’t know him that well, so… I won’t get involved.” Which is fine and great, and honestly I don’t want to put anyone in that awkward situation. But that’s not actively getting to know someone, that’s being selective. As I said, I don’t want to put someone in that moral dilemma.

So I write here.

Where my thoughts should go, and perhaps not on Twitter, where some of my business contacts are. (Even though I could care less on that angle.)

And none of this gets at what I’m trying to say (but alas, there’s a foreword or backstory for everything). What I mean to say is… we have emotions that we do not express. We go through periods of unrest, loneliness, confusion. And instead of expressing them to people who may be able to help and relate, we don’t. For fear? For ego? Who knows. Maybe to appear stronger or more put-together than we actually are.

Airing grievances: “I don’t know what to tell you” and silence do not help people going through rough times. Share your light! I really think people have the roughest times because they feel like they’re going through them alone. And maybe I shouldn’t get agitated at my friends for not being knowledgeable about my particular situation, or the obvious miscommunication in the world, specifically America and online “social” networks, but gosh. It’s like a big ugly spider on the wall, I just want to smack it or suck it up with a vacuum.