I haven’t felt this way about a Rufus Wainwright song in a long time. I heard a snippet of “Sometimes You Need” from his latest release, Out of the Game. And immediately needed to hear the rest. Something about the lines “Sometimes you need a stranger to talk to” and “Sometimes you need to go to the dog park.” Maybe it reminds me of this time last year when I was working at a job that was killing my spirit and fighting with my ex and my angry feelings towards him for past pain and present misunderstandings. It was a time I felt unlike myself, like the good in me was hanging on by a thread; like the last drop was hanging from a broken cliff, to be wasted soon. I used to visit the dog park on my lunch breaks and be happy watching the dogs run with tongues and tails wagging. And then I’d cry in my car because the happy was fleeting. And then I got fired, and we started our company — a new quest was started. It didn’t solve all of the problems but it was movement.
No final word on where I’m moving yet. I’m interviewing in Seattle. It’s a great feeling, to be considered. I remember when I was looking for a job in the summer of 2010 and how I wanted to move away from what I knew so badly. But ended up swimming in 5 years-old stew for another year.
It’s been about a year since I committed to a free life of good food, travel, and embracing the better in life. At some point I embraced God even, which was telling that things were really bad because God and I usually didn’t speak that often.
I think I’d like to limit my verbal voice and just listen for a while. I feel like my social self has been talking with no sense attached to it. But there is, and despite breathing and thinking before speaking it still comes out with a bite. Why? (I think I need to get laid. I’m just sayin’!). Sometimes I’m incredibly honest. What I’m saying is true and needs to be said, but sometimes what needs to be said makes the sayer seem like the killjoy of the group. And I hate that burden. But sometimes I guess I do enjoy being the anti-hero that squashes drama. But lately, I think I’ve been causing it and losing focus.
I haven’t been focusing on what I need to. I’m going to Seattle for job interviews with establishing companies and today in this current moment of life, I am not prepared. But I will be.
I will be done writing about Costa Rica, X-Factor, and the road trips I’ve taken hopefully soon so my blog can transcend to the next level.
Sometimes the next level is reflection of the past — at least so you can remember where you’ve gone and know where you don’t want to go.