“Trojan War,” My Blue Reflection
posted Mar 31, 2006 (age 19)
No poetic words tonight. We’re just gonna be raw about it. Nothing polished.
How do I feel?
- I feel… like a question mark. A huge mess of a question mark.
I feel hurt. Maybe not by him. Well, it was unexpected that he would downplay my feelings like that. Saying that it wasn’t love, but it was regret. Maybe it was regret – I don’t know. But I felt foolish and embarrassed after he said that. But I feel hurt – maybe not his fault. Maybe I inflicted those wounds myself.
He said “Oh, you’ll get over them when you find someone else.” But I kept thinking, You don’t know if I’ll find someone better than you. Someone who fit the mold of what I’ve always wanted in someone else. It was like, he was okay with someone replacing him. Like… what I did now didn’t matter. And I wanted it to matter to him. And I feel bad about it because he’s got something great for him now. It’s like he was saying… “I’ve found someone better than you.” And I cried so hard. I’m not a cryer. I don’t cry at all, even when I try.
I felt that a chance of keeping someone in my life who genuinely cared about me could’ve been nurtured if I had allowed myself to explore a romantic relationship with this person. I would’ve been taken care of. But we had a malfunction in trust. My trust was so fragile then, and I guess it still is.
In terms of understanding who I am, realizing all the points stemming from point A to the point E (random selection) I’m at now in terms of dealing with my past, he has since been the only man who understood. Our friendship ended because of someone I fell in love with whom he knew and didn’t trust, and given my life since the moment we met maybe I should’ve listened to his warning. Apart from that and understanding my struggle, he understood my gift and talent and did whatever he could to help me see that I had something special that I wasn’t giving its due.
I believe he’s married now. I wish I could talk to him, but I think his ears are still deaf to me. I wouldn’t know what to say, except what I’ve said before: Thank you so much. He found happiness and wished me the same. I wish him luck.
Cherish your friends, especially the ones who bother to see the real you.