So recently I broke up with a boyfriend, tried to get back with another, my plans for Seattle were not going right, got drunk and had a hangover for the first (and last time), and lost hope in everything I had worked for over the past year in terms of self-improvement.
I was frantic. I was lost. I needed help.
And without asking or reaching out too much, I got it.
My friends saw me hurting, and they reached out to help me up again. That shouldn’t be a surprise really, right? That’s what friends are for. But I wasn’t expecting it.
Amanda, Emily, Brad, and the cats invited me over for cake and cuddle time on the couch in front of some HGTV and M&Ms. I tried to hold back all that was going on, but they were willing to listen. And it felt so incredibly good to realize that life is fine. It is not the end of the world, we all have problems, we all make mistakes. But life isn’t over even through all of it. Pick up your face and carry on. It is not how you make mistakes, it is how you recover from making them.
My friends Brandon and Linda provided their best to nurture and remind me of who I am and what I stand for. Jeff and Phil reminded me that I have a lot to be proud of. Matt the masseuse worked my muscles, healed me and taught me that addiction surpasses the usual suspects of substances to feelings and people because of the fear of embracing a path without them. Who’s to say life couldn’t be better. If we could truly meet ourselves in the past and ourselves at this point, we would see that we exist, we live, we move through life just fine and even better than that.
In my fear of embracing the future, I did something inappropriate and not well-thought out by trying to get my ex back. I love him very much but that was not smart at all. He is very happy in his life, and my life at that instant was in a tailspin. Not realizing at the time that while I was spinning downward I was ready to grab him and drag him down with me. Dumb.
The heart is such a slippery organ, capable of slipping from its chamber. A firm grip is futile but cupped hands can guide it back.
— treavioli (@treavioli) October 20, 2012
In these moments where everything is going wrong, we betray our usual methods and dispositions of handling discord: instinct, following our hearts or minds or both. We have those coping mechanisms for a reason. What ended up happening between my ex and I is that we began to repair our friendship, which I had been missing for a long time. He, too, has reassured me of who I am, that I am beyond capable of moving beyond this tough time to continue taking over the world.
I’ve realized that I need to be on my own for a while. Most especially since I just broke up with someone I loved very dearly and was beginning to fall in love with, someone that transformed me and inspired me. It was really sad to lose him, but I know for certain that it was the best decision for us both. I wish him all the best in his journey.
One day I will be in a relationship, where we both want the same things and share the same ideas on things like health, travel, love, micro-humans (kids), sex, etc. I just know. I get closer with every person I meet. With that, how can you not be grateful for the ones where it didn’t work out?
No matter what, when I’m in trouble, I know that my friends will be there to remind me of who I am, where I’m going, and what I need. Thanks.
Now that I’m on the other side of panic and anxiety, I realize that it’s not best to act but the opposite — to sit still and breathe.