I was really glad that January turned out so well. I was listening to my unified Voice and accomplishing a lot. But then February came and started to miss my ex, and got distracted by other people that I lost my focus on me. I lost balance. However, I did get to see my heart open.
I feel my heart opening again. My mind is finally allowing me to. My soul is saying “It’s about time.” And my body: “Oh hellz yes!” — February 21, 2012
I’ve been feeling 19 again and anytime I want to backslide into what I have been (age 45) I’m reminded in a harsh way that’s not the route to take. Stop looking back, a voice says. I don’t know what forward looks like, but it’s my canvas to paint.
Life overall was pretty good, aside from some soreness in my heart (see “Love”). As I stated before, I didn’t listen to my Voice enough in February. I beat myself up a lot today and yesterday because I hadn’t accomplished as much as January. I’ve mostly felt like I’ve backslid back into some old habits. But consequences and receptions have told me, I can’t go back to those things anymore. I am different. I am too big for those shoes. My family and friends have reminded me that I have done things that most people wouldn’t and haven’t done. And yet, I’ve ignored those voices. I’m really good at listening, but lately I haven’t been. I’m hoping to do better in March.
In January I admitted that I missed my ex. February proved the same. I went crazy and made some mistakes. I compromised my goal of staying abstinent for a few months, just to be reminded of what it felt like to be there in that moment with him. And I don’t regret it because I learned that it’s not the same anymore. Our spiritual selves are not the same, and I must move on. As somber as the painted Southwestern sky — pastel red, it is love; sharp red, it is desire; soft blue, it is the truth—my love fades into the darkness, to be revealed again another day. I have to say goodbye to then, and say hello to what will come.
I’m naturally jaded. If not him, then I don’t know who else. But I think that’s just my resistance to that type of change—even though I know it’s for the best.
Recently, I’ve stated that I’m done. Done with trailing after my ex, done with calling him my ex, done with dating, it all. But I guess my heart wouldn’t be open then. I’m not sure I want it to stay open. Maybe I’ll figure it out in March.
I haven’t really grown in this arena this month. I’ve actually treated it like singing. Stalling on growing in it… it seems like a mountain to me at times. I think that’s partially why I feel like February wasn’t successful.
Travel was the only area I feel excelled in. I took a trip to the Midwest alone in celebration of Singles Awareness Day/Valentine’s Day. I noticed a lot of people whining on social media that they didn’t have anyone, as if life couldn’t be lived without a boyfriend or girlfriend. So I took a road trip through the cold alone. And I was fine, I was great. Until I left Memphis into Little Rock. My ex and I climbed a mountain there that was representative and crucial. I cried cried cried. I was a mess. I ended up in Austin, which also made me a little bitter. And I think it made me not want to be anywhere we had been, together or separately. I don’t want to be reminded that we were together, or that we’re not together. I don’t want to be reminded.
I am looking forward to seeing the Northwest and the Southeast in March. Very excited. :]
Other than Fong’s Pizza in Des Moines, I can’t remember anything else that hit the spot in February. The Chicken Little at Jackalope’s in Austin was okay but made my stomach hurt like most bar food does. But Fong’s was fantastic and delicious. But I won’t elaborate since I’m still drafting the rest of my Midwest posts. Velvet Taco has become a favorite place of mine, thanks to Matt! That #18 just keeps calling me—the Dublin Dr Pepper too. Mmm.
Ha. Another area where I feel I failed. On my Midwest Trip, I intended to record a video of me singing a song at every stop. I was too chicken. What was a great idea was dragged down by my over-thinking. A friend and business mentor stated recently, “You’re so great at many things. You just haven’t found that *one* thing.” I mentioned that it might be the one thing that I keep running away from: singing. He then asked me to sing, and my head instantly went into a thought-spin. I tried to find a song to sing—I know many—but couldn’t remember the words. And I thought stupid things like… “The song I pick to sing has to be representative of me, and impressive, and so fantastic that people around us will pee their pants and go insane, and they’ll post a video on YouTube, and I’ll be an instant hit, and labels will want to sign me, and I’ll keep declining them because I don’t want my love for singing to be a business….” So on and so on. Eventually, I just sang the opening lines to “The Prayer” (as sung by Andrea Bocelli and Céline Dion).
And Josh was impressed by my voice. Everyone usually is. Why do I hide it? If you see me, ask me to sing. No matter where. It shouldn’t matter. The more I’m put on the spot, the more I’m comfortable with singing.
I didn’t accomplish a lot on my Chicken List in February, but if you count the solo road trip as a Chicken, then there’s one. And I also used a public shower, which is still weird, but I’ve broken the barrier.
Do Something Crazy Every Month
In February, I set out to embrace my singularity—to embrace “alone”. I went on a road trip of the Midwest. I never felt lonely, really. Maybe it’s because I met bloggers and friends along the way, but for those 5–8 hours of driving between stops, I was in my own world. It felt great. A friend of mine one said that she could never do that. But you can, it’s so easy. Once you start, it’s just like driving anywhere else. Pick a destination and go.
In connection with Love and Being Crazy, I told a friend of mine that only crazy people fall in love and are happy in relationships. That I used to be crazy, but not anymore.
G: you think you are not cray? (wait cray means crazy right? cause you are well cray)
Me: i’m not. and yes
G: boy you have your own business under the age of 30
you just travelled by yourself across half of america in a car
you are just back from a trip with someone you never met before to south america
that sh*t cray!
Me: … that is pretty cray
It’s crazy how much I’ve gotten acquainted with courage that I forget that it’s even there within me. Hmm. Something to carry forth.
Failed. See Love. Re-focusing.
I’m currently reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. I wish I had more time to dedicate to it, so I can read in one sitting. But it’s great so far. After meeting famed book designer, Chip Kidd, and hearing him speak on being inspired by the books he’s designed, I feel like reading his entire catalogue. Consider me a fan boy! :]
What to expect for March 2012: March is cleanse month, continued; clearing out my Twitter favs, Tumblr likes, less Facebook consumption, email accounts, more in-house minimalism, doing an actual cleanse with BluePrintCleanse. Reducing debt as much as possible. And rock climbing!