What once were scattered, off-key, and hushed, my voices (heart, body, mind, spirit) are becoming more and more steady and unified this month. After being fired from my full-time job, realizing I had been in a quarter-life crisis, ending a 6-year love saga in November, disappearing into the rainforests of Costa Rica in December, and bouncing around New York earlier this month, I’ve been settling in again at my mom’s spare house here in Dallas/Fort Worth. It began with looking at this house and seeing how it looked and felt like me, broken down, worn out, and falling apart still. Yet it still has a fighting chance to be great.
I originally thought I would stay here for a few weeks, but it’s been over 2 months. It’s been great, however, and my mom is glad someone’s taking care of the house while she’s away. But I have a plan. I’ve decided that I’m moving to Portland in July and studying psychology for a while. Not everything’s solid yet but I have a firm belief that I will get there. It’s been a dream of mine to live in the Northwest for a long time now. It would be great to live in that experience; a dream coming true. Overall, my life is going pretty well and quickly forming into what it should be, thus turning me into who I need to be.
I haven’t been dating. Maybe I have. I can’t tell. I meet up with people thinking they’ve read my OkCupid profile and what I’m looking for (“activity partners, long-distance penpals”). But I always see that disappointed face when I tell them that I want to be single, and I’m only looking for friends. It also sucks because they’re really awesome and interesting enough to probably be more than friends, but I know that I could not give them truly what they’re looking for. I keep in touch with all of them, and they’ve all moved on with their search for love and relationship.
Truth time: I miss my ex throughout my entire day everyday. At times it gets hard, and I have to chain myself to the toilet to keep myself from driving to see him and throw this whole crazy idea of being a confident, strong, self-trusting individual behind. But it wouldn’t improve our relationship at all. It would make it worse. Every time I see him, I see that he’s trying so hard to cope, and I just want to… be there. But being there makes things worse. It’s a given – this is just a tough, not pretty situation. I’m doing my best to respect distance and his feelings. The muscle still aches.
I feel like I’m getting more and more in tune with my designer prowess again — slowly but surely. With my dual-ownership company taking a backseat, my solo freelance will be taking the wheel. I’m working with one of my long-standing clients and collaborating with a photographer friend of mine on my portfolio site. The design of which is going so well. I’m surprised at how I’ve gotten back on the design saddle; like riding a bike I guess.
Ending 2011 with Costa Rica and New York was a big finish to a really crappy (yet oddly rewarding) year. Gratefully, New York leaked over considerably into 2012. I remember lying on a friend’s couch in Queens, thinking “I was just in Costa Rica. Now I’m in New York. This is it. My life is traveling.” The moment signified a tremendous turn in my life. The moment also signified that this year will be full of travel. Confirmed: Las Vegas for Bloggers in Sin City, Los Angeles for VidCon — both are repeat cities, but I’m beyond excited to see them again and with new faces to meet.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more adventurous in trying new foods. To name a few: Vietnamese, Thai, Costa Rican/Tico dishes have graced this tongue. With meeting a new friend, Matt, I’ve discovered new foods in the veganish-vegetarian realm. I quite like shopping at natural/organic food stores than say, Walmart. Don’t think I’ll be converting to full vegetarian anytime soon. I am a Texan after all.
As I mentioned recently, I’m going to be recording a song and producing it on my own as a project for getting comfortable with hearing my voice and not being afraid of instruments. I am ridiculous. But it’s a lifelong fear that I’m trying to eradicate. I believe I have a gift that I’m not letting shine. So, here we go: a Year of Voice.
I think a lot of my Chicken List will be knocked out in 2012. I told you it’s going to be a bold year. My balls are bigger than ever, and I am ready to kick Fear straight dead in his *ss. This month I conquered my fear of singing karaoke. It was relatively painless, and I wasn’t even drunk. I also bought a rock-climbing pass from livingsocial.com.
Do Something Crazy Every Month
While I’ve done a lot of things that could be consider “crazy” in January, my one crazy event was spurred by my spontaneity. On a whim, and with a little added peer pressure from some other bloggers, I registered to attend the Bloggers in Sin City unconference in Las Vegas (duh). And I have been prepping for it ever since! I already have my outfit for Mad Men night, and my flight ticket is bought. I’ve been researching some shows I want to see in Vegas. I was hoping Celine or Bette would be in season, but they’re not. Ah well! Apparently we have to wear wigs to this unconference, so maybe I’ll just be Bette.
Gawd! Even with my new boyfriend, this is rough. This is the hard part of coming out of a relationship where sex was readily available. But! Still going strong.
What to expect for February 2012: February is cleanse month; clearing out my Twitter favs, Tumblr likes, email accounts, more in-house minimalism, doing an actual cleanse with BluePrintCleanse. A trip to Austin to see my friends Linda and Ashley. Reducing debt as much as possible. And rock climbing!