Am I ready to love, a question I asked myself recently. There’s no doubt that love is flowing through a bit more freely than it used to, but am I ready to be in a relationship.
I feel that Love and Relationships are two separate things. In terms of cell structure, Love would be the nucleus and the relationship is the cell membrane, what Love lives in. And it is up to you and your partner to keep that membrane strong, impenetrable, and healthy so that the nucleus can live and flourish in a safe place.
I started asking myself if I was ready to love again after my ex and I decided to compare notes on what we wanted for the future and if we wanted to continue that pursuit together or not. It was preceded by a fun evening in Uptown, juicy burgers, a visit to the remodeled Apple store by SMU, and jetting through the streets in his fast car just like all (and old) times. It felt great. In those moments our true selves were allowed to just be. No pushing or shoving, just playful and free.
But we eventually came to the purpose of the evening. He’s ready to settle down. And I am not. That’s the black-and-white. The grey of the matter is that I will be ready to settle down, but I still have a bit of foundation repair within myself to secure before I can jump back into the romanticsphere.
I feel that returning to me little by little, the want to sprout roots with someone. It’s glimpses of the same feelings I had even at 19 years old. I’ve always known what I wanted in a relationship and from life. I didn’t realize on the way to those wants it would be extremely difficult. I’ve always known that my wants are embellishments of what I need, so while I could spare the flourishes, the strike of the stroke is what matters. My needs are an open-hearted family that respects each part of the unit and we have fun in learning and experiencing, we have each other’s back in the darkest of times.
There’s no doubt I want that. But right now my heart is in repair from braving the ruthless seas and surviving the strenuous wars that have gotten me to this point, which is somewhat of a hibernating period, I guess. In my cocoon, a safe harbor, restoring my energy and heart for the next Big One.
Honoring your truth and realizing that how YOU feel must be your top priority will lead you to the right place and perhaps back to your lover but know that the introspective work you are doing will pay off. — Terri Cole, from Welcome Words of Encouragement
He is ready and he is anxious to start. He’s met someone new and while I was distraught about it, I realized that apart from my own happiness, I want him to be happy. While, yes, in my selfish heart I would like me to be the one to share his happiness, my heart-of-hearts knows that I cannot. And that’s okay because I have tried my best for years, even at times when I shouldn’t have; at times when my people said “leave him alone, you deserve better.” I went after and fought for what I believed in — our nucleus and even our membrane.
In the twisted reality, I still am fighting for what I believe in. I still have hope because I still have love. I have to admit that I struggled with closing my heart immediately after that night together. It hurt so bad. I spent an entire day in bed until I just decided to get away, flock to Austin even for just a day — just to see something beyond myself and problems. It reminded me that there’s beauty everywhere, especially inside of me and even within him; the part of me that I shared with him.
Yes, I am still building the foundation for my future home. I get excited when I think of it. ((((( A home. ))))) Ah, that elongated echo is awesome. Whether it’s with him or someone else, the foundation process must be done. Poor timing and judgment have already delayed what I should have been doing all along. I would be doing myself and future life an injustice if I weren’t responsible now. And it’s never too late, whether you’re 25 or 28.
And last and utmost, thank you to my ex and best friend. Every crazy turn on this ride had helped me learn a lot about life, love, relationships, and even myself. I don’t have all the answers to how yet. But I do have an answer for why. Thank you.