I’ve been traveling through southwestern deserts alone with my inner-voices and mountains. Sometimes I have to check in with myself to see where my thoughts and feelings have taken me. So I ask myself questions.
“That feeling when you love someone and they love you back but for whatever reason (possibly ALL the reasons), you can’t be together. It just doesn’t work. I curse the Universe and God and His friends, Buddha, Muhammad, and the others. Thanks for dangling the adorable carrot in my face!” — A would-be Facebook status that spurred this post
What do you do in that situation?
I think you give from your branches until there’s only a stump left. You give because you can do nothing else. And then you plant the magical seed of love on that stump. You nurture that seed, let it grow, until your tree is tall and green again. You try again to love, be loved, give love. Because, contrary to my previous belief, you don’t just fall into a relationship knowing how to do those things. You have to learn how to love someone, be loved by someone, and give love to someone. They are hard lessons, but they’re very rewarding.
What did you learn?
If you learn from the past you’ll do better next time. If you don’t learn the lessons you need to learn, you’ll repeat the same mistakes over. This is true of love, relationships and anything else in life.
When a relationship you don’t want to end ends, it’s not uncommon to wonder, What was the point of it all? There are many. I’ve learned how to love, be loved, give love. As a result, I’ve felt the great soul connection. I could honestly die tomorrow content in knowing this. It’s one of the greatest feelings, connecting with someone deeply.
What I’m learning is to focus not on that it’s over, but focus on the fact that it happened. And overall, the things I felt were the greatest feelings I’ve ever felt. There will be more if you’re open to it, so I’m also learning to be open.
I’ve learned that when a relationship ends with someone you love, there’s never a good enough reason until the reason is that it became unhealthy to keep trying. Sometimes beautiful trees get diseased and split down the middle, potentially destroying roofs of houses, cars, or killing the dog, so you have to chop it down before any more harm can be done. It’s incredibly sad.
What was it like being in a relationship?
I’ve likened a former relationship to the on/off relationship of Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. The incessant falling in and out of love led both into incredibly dark times, involving drugs and alcohol abuse and other crappy relationships. I mean, that could’ve just been the 70s and 80s leaking in, but I’m pretty sure their relationship had something to do with it. Granted, I’ve never had those problems, but I had others. But I believe in those dark times, Stevie and Lindsey would find each other again, enjoy the peace and passion, and unfortunately delve back into misunderstanding and darkness. I read somewhere that to this day they think fondly of each other, even though they’ve both moved on. They are still good friends, which is where I wish most relationships would end up, but it doesn’t happen often.
I don’t think you ever forget that first big love. That’s probably what makes it so hard to move on, especially if you’ve waited for it for a long time. When it comes, it’s even better than what you imagined before. You feel elevated, on a higher plane of life. It’s akin to being in a miraculous, sparklous tornado of joy and all the colors surround you and that person.
In reality, you have dreams, they have dreams, you support each other in those pursuits. You make out, you make love, you travel together, you meet each other’s friends, you share your lives with each other. It’s a great feeling to meet someone who’s interested in knowing what you’re interested in; that adores you as much as you adore them.
But at some point, perhaps by accident, someone gets hurt (sometimes both people get hurt) and it throws the rhythm off. You hope it’s temporary, but it turns out to be permanent damage. You try to get back on the beat, but everybody’s got the timing and key wrong. And you get booed off the stage.
What about the next time you fall in love?
The next time I fall in love will be just like the Nat King Cole song. I mean, I hope. I’m not that clairvoyant. I listened to that song a lot when I was younger and hadn’t experienced love yet. But it was and is a good rule of thumb.
“When I give my heart, it will be completely or I’ll never give my heart,
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too is when I fall in love with you”
When you’re in, you’re in. The mutual trust, the honest feelings, the clean and clear. I miss that. After I had been in love, I wasted a lot of time being heartbroken and tortured by the past. I want to be completely free of all of that for the next time and for me. It’s unhealthy to carry so much baggage.
The next relationship I’m in I want to be on the same page. I want to hum the same tune. I don’t want to be swaying alone to country music when he’s crowdsurfing at a rock concert. I want to dance with somebody who wants to dance with me, not against or away from me. With.