I read the following entry in the video, but just in case you don’t like to be read to, you can read it below.
from My Blue Reflection
18 August 2004
Have you ever liked someone… but… you thought they were too good for you? Or maybe you didn’t they were so much better than you… just not on the same level… or something like that.
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about someone more so lately. I don’t know.
I’ve been talking to some people lately. They’re not the ones that I would like to be in a relationship or get to know more. But I don’t know now that I’ve decided to change some things in my life for the better I’ve looked at this person and saw that… there isn’t a doubt that I’m safe with this person.
They’re not gonna make me do this or that if I don’t want to. It seems they really want a relationship.
Thing is… would they want it with me? I mean, there is an age difference, there’s only a little distance between us (not much)…. I don’t know. I just feel powerless when it comes to the love thing. How do I get to know someone without them knowing that I want to.
‘Cause if they knew that I wanted to get to know them better then they would walk away or something. It’s so difficult.
What do I have to offer… What can I give to you.
I know there’s so much I could give you, if I’d let myself… but I know that’s not best. That’s not who I am. That’s not who you are either.
Like… have you felt as if you weren’t enough for someone? Have you ever felt like you didn’t have what it took to make them look your way? Maybe Major Leaguer is like me: if someone liked me, I’d wish they’d tell me. I guess I’d just want to know just to know… But at least they’d know if it was yes or no.
But like them I don’t have the confidence, I guess.
You’re beyond me.
Dear past self, you’re awesome and you deserve awesome. The end.
Dear present self, you’ll get awesome because you are awesome. The end.
Dear future self, if you haven’t gotten awesome by now, they probably don’t make awesome in your size. But that’s okay, because you’ve probably had little awesomes by now. Cultivate them so they other people’s little awesome can meet your little awesomes. <3