"We often load ourselves up when we travel, because we want to be prepared for various situations. This burden of being prepared leaves us with our arms full, unable to receive whatever is there when we arrive.
It leaves us tired from carrying, so that we are not happy when we meet someone new on our travels." — Leo Babauta
I’m doing a few internal renovations. Well, just one area in particular: my heart. I’ve dabbled with how to write this for nearly 2 weeks. I would write a sentence and think. Re-write the sentence. Get frustrated and sleep on it. Now I’m back at it.
That’s exactly how the war with keeping my heart open is. I try. Something happens. It closes. I try again. It’s hard. I try to forget about it (or most of the time, I obsess over it). And then I try again.
That’s how I’ve lived my life. That’s how I’ve survived this far. I guard my heart by stockpiling a lot of reasons in front of the door. I carry them around and I compare them to every living person and every situation that comes my way. I mean, they’re valid but they ultimately keep who I want in out. These reasons keep me from enjoying the moments that are meant to be enjoyed, like the beginning of a new relationship, or boating or water skiing. Just because I nearly drowned trying to impress my ex’s friends that one time, doesn’t mean I’m still that stupid.
And after all the reasons (excuses) we declare for why we don’t allow ourselves to experience love, what else is there? The acknowledgement of someone new’s reluctant “Oh ok”? Stay at home, wondering what could’ve been?
So I am leaving the reasons behind — in order to save the life that I could have one day; the life that I have been dreaming of and working for.
One way to do this is by creating — any art can help channel the frustration, pain, sadness a person feels. Get it out and leave it there. Leave it behind to enjoy the journey ahead.
Update: Ways I’ve tried to keep my heart open is volunteering at a food bank (I realized that I am helping others, therefore I am connected, thus not alone.), home improvement (My mother’s house is very needy — haha — so I give myself projects to do around the house, your living space is an extension of your body which is an extension of your spirit. Improving that improves you.), I also open myself up to new experiences, which is difficult at times because I tend to stay in my comfort zone. But in being open to new experiences it teaches your heart to be open to the new as well.