It was brought to my attention that when I talk about relationships, I don’t mention enough when I’ve made bad decisions. And while I don’t usually take requests about what I write about in this blog, I wanted to explore that. Because really, if there is blame to be had in a failed relationship then it can be spread to all parties involved.
For a long time I wanted some acknowledgment for being the good guy in the right: I stuck my neck and heart out for a guy who didn’t return that, I continued to believe in us when he kept coming back when he shouldn’t have, he would call and leave messages saying “we” attached to romantic actions and not follow through. I knew at some point that when he was really ready that I would be far out of it to come back in; to let him in. But that doesn’t mean when the time came that I wouldn’t.
And when it came I did more than try. I emotionally kicked him around. I aimed everything in my arsenal at him because for once, he was completely vulnerable, and I was fully protected behind my walls of mortar and heart of steel. I put him through the ringer. I shot poisonous words at his feet to make him dance; I said mean things. He bought me things I wanted, he took me to places I had never seen while I maintained keeping a foot out of the relationship, not committing to anything — best described as “wishy-washy.” While I hurt him by doing this, I didn’t want to be hurt again either.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” — C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
But at some point I realized what I had been doing. I hadn’t been acting out of love but of fear and bitterness. I hadn’t intended to be that callous. I wanted him to prove to me that he was ready this time; I wanted to be sure he wasn’t the Boy Who Cried Love again. But I think subconsciously I wanted him to realize what he had put me through all these years, that it wouldn’t be that easy to just crawl back this time. I had been punishing him. And in doing that I realized that it was me that had become the bad guy.
Not only had I shot him in the heart, but I had shot my dreams of love and happiness with another person in their respective backs. I had become my own enemy.
I apologized to him profusely once I realized what I had been doing. But when I realized that crying my heart out, apologizing, and him forgiving me wasn’t enough to help us on our happy ending way, I began to worry. Every day.
At that point we had moved in together, got business married, and shared caring for a dog. I had the guy I had been chasing after. But I wasn’t happy. It wasn’t for his lack of trying. He probably even tried too much.
So what gives? And why so unhappy? There were many factors that I’ve talked about before, and when I realized why I was unhappy in my life, I realized I couldn’t have the perfect guy. I needed to be happy for me, within me, instead of being lazy and wanting someone to make me happy. And while I did deserve the perfect guy at one point, I didn’t deserve him anymore.
When I broke up with him and all that we had finally been able to build in 1.5 years, I was the Weary Guy. At some point during the being kicked around and being the open-hearted Good Guy in the first 5 years, I had lost what made me good in the first place. Since I began this new journey, I have been doing my best to reclaim that missing part of me.