What I Haven’t Done Is What I’ve Yet to Do

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I’m sitting here in the office in my underwear. I haven’t brushed my teeth but I found some gum in my backpack to temporarily disarm my sleepy breath. It’s the afternoon and I’m avoiding my Google Calendar and the possibility of over-booking myself this month. Today I intended to start a week of rockclimbing, go to the municipal court and fight a traffic citation, and make a few phone calls. And while the phone calls happened, the other party was busy and couldn’t be reached. I felt like I got nothing done today.

Instead of doing those other things I intended to do, I filled my time with watching Oprah with Deepak Chopra’s Lifeclass online, which recounted things I already knew and ideals I incorporate into my daily life, but it’s always nice to hear it from people you respect. It was enlightening. I also had a few hours of blogging, which includes reading blogs and checking out Tumblr for inspiration. I also read a bit in the bathroom.

I felt guilty initially. But then I realized that I make my plans, therefore I have the control and power and fluidity to change them. While today was supposed to be a day of doing, it turned out to be a day of consumption for my spirit. And all those things I didn’t do today, well, what I haven’t done is what I’ve yet to do. They will be there tomorrow and the next week.

If I am not alive to procure them, then it’s okay; they’re not exactly life-altering to-dos nor important. To-do lists are awesome for keeping productive (sometimes), but I try to keep in mind that sometimes fluidity is more important than productivity. And who’s to say that in being fluid, you don’t advance or grow, thus being productive. As long as you’re learning, the day is not a waste.

Year of Voices: March

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Year of Voices: March

March has been an immense cleansing month not in terms of what I intended to do (clear out my social media accounts, reduce debt, reduce email accounts), but I felt a renewed sense of feeling unified. I was very productive. I feel really good, and I feel really happy.

Life
Life in general has been really good. I’ve been mobilizing and intensifying my efforts to moving to Portland. I now have a box with my clothes in it! Ha. Just that little something gives me hope of moving on to the next phase of life. Can’t wait.

I’m doing a great job at listening to my unified Voice. I’m laughing more. I’ve been less sad. I’ve also been getting a lot done, thanks to clearing off the desk in the office and keeping tasked with my list book. Making to-do lists can get really taxing if you’re a person that’s more fluid. But I’ve tried fluid for a year or so, and it threw me off my rhythm. I’m both type A and type B, and not letting my type A out to play (well, work) has proven discordant. No longer. :] Feels good. Right now, I have the fan on, drinking water, and listening to PNAU’s latest album, Soft Universe. I feel alive.

Love
Ah yes, well, I’ll get to the complicated portion first. I’ve been doing well at keeping my heart open. However, there have been times where I’ve stepped back when faced with opposing feelings from another person. That can be seen as being wishy-washy, but it’s not. That’s me making sure my feelings are reciprocated and what I’m putting forth is mirrored. So far not so good. And I think the more complicated it is the more it makes me question whether I should be even attempting to continue my efforts in pursuing a romantic relationship. In summation, a mutual loving and respectful relationship is ultimately what I’m after. And if it’s not that way from the start then it’s not something I want to put my whole heart into. It’s one thing to love someone and want to support them, but to put you’re all into something without a mutual respect and understanding is not healthy to either person.

But on the less-complicated and more personal front, I know how I feel. I still have love flowing through me — for one person, for everyone in my life. I am so proud of everyone going after what they believe in, especially Marlon. He’s shown so much growth and his self-confidence is definitely improving.

I’m in love with life. It feels good to feel that feeling again.

Design
I feel very connected with my design heart. Yay! We’ve reunited!

Yes! I feel confident about the work I’m producing. I have so many ideas flowing through me that are boiling to get out. Upgrading my portfolio. So much glee. :]

I’ve been approached to do work. Some have fallen through because people don’t want to pay. Sending out an estimate is the determinant for serious clients and others who want close-to-free work.

I’ve been using my dribbble account a lot more and interacting with other designers. I participated in the Valio Con Free Pass Contest. I didn’t win but I did get a freebie for participating, which is awesome. I have to thank designer, Drew Wilson for throwing the contest and allowing me to play.

I had a meeting with a job recruiter the other day. The placing firm has an office in Seattle so hopefully they can connect me with someone in that area. Northwest-bound, y’all!

What this means for my entrepreneurial/freelance career — well, nothing really. I plan on remaining a partner with my company until my partner and I mutually decide to end it (obviously), but I think we’ve expressed working together on developing products. As far as my personal freelance business, it will always be open for business. If anything, I’ll probably be on a break from freelancing if I can find a Northwest tech startup to work with. And if the startup or small business I work with is only hiring contractors, then of course TW Design is open for business. :]

So yay, designer-me has recovered!

Travel
The Southeast Road Trip/Civil Rights Tour was a great trip with my family; however, it was also taxing in the way that family trips can be. Apart from tempers and attitudes, I had a great time learning about American history (Black history ;]).

It’s turning out that my travel calendar is only permitting one long trip a month and a staycay in DFW, which is an exasperated and whiny “okay.” But you know, traveling has become the figurative boyfriend that I only see on the weekends. Is it the weekend yet?

I also keep planning to make it to the Northwest but things keep getting in the way. At this point, it’s not happening for April either. So I’m really hoping to squeeze it in in May.

I’ve set forth some travel goals for 2013: Spain and Australia. I’ve also daydreamed about Thailand and backpacking across Europe. Hoping for any and all of that!

Food
I’ve checked a few new restaurants: Pookie’s and Eno’s Pizza Tavern. Relived some recent favorites like Velvet Taco, Oddfellow’s and the Northpark Whole Foods.

I didn’t cleanse in March. It’s a hard commitment for me. 3 days of no food? Eesh. But I’ve bought 3 big bottles of Naked juices (that sounds gross), and I’m excited to start.

I’m also returning to eating healthier in April. February and March were bad in terms of this, and while I love eating everything in sight, I have to be careful to not get back into the high cholesterol red zone.

Music
As my Do Something Crazy for March, I’ve decided to try out for the X Factor TV singing competition! I’m looking for an audition song and places to practice.

My voice is stronger than it’s ever been. Sure, no whistle notes like when I was 14. But I’m doing so well.

Chicken List
I don’t think I mentioned in February that using a public shower (in a men’s locker room) was added to my Chicken List. The whole being naked with a man in a non-sexual capacity is strange to me. I think my body is programmed to think, “Why else would you get naked in front of a man?” But I’m aiming to change that with so many “get naked” items on my Chicken List; I want to be secure completely with my body.

I haven’t tackled any other chickens this month. Although, registering for X Factor is definitely chicken-worthy but I consider it “something I would’ve done a long time ago if I had parental support when I wanted to.”

Do Something Crazy Every Month
As you’ve read, I’ve committed to trying out for X Factor. I’m pretty excited about it. I think it’ll be super fun. To help out with practicing, I’ve decided to participate in Vlog Everyday in April but with songs. I usually only participate in August, but my audition is May 1 so it’s perfect!

Reading
I’m still reading the Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. It’s an interesting read, and I wish I could dedicate a day to just reading it, but I’ve got plenty on my plate. I have to finish it this month so my mom and I can chat about it before her birthday, Apr. 19.

Cleansing
Cleansing! Per my goals for cleansing:

Online: Tumblr likes cleared. Less Facebook consumption. As a result, I’ve used Dribbble more so I can connect with other designers. I’ve cleared out a lot of my email accounts. I’m hoping to close at least one account in April.

Health: I had a health scare at the beginning of March, which allowed me to clear out some crazies in my system. I didn’t get around to doing a juice cleanse. But definitely will in April.

Debt: My debt is actually rising. Ack! Working on reducing it soon.

House Clutter Reduction: My sis and I have started to quarantine clutter to the laundry and back room, so the rest of the house can get in order. We’re doing well in establishing an organization system for each room.

Abstinence: Doing really good. Back on track! Yay! No sex. As a result, I’ve been concentrating better. It’s awesome!!

What to expect for April 2012: April is a continued cleanse month; I’ll most likely give less attention to social networks to pay more attention to practicing for my audition; hoping for more design production to finish my portfolio and shop for companies to work with. A lot of excitement and fun!

Year of Voices: March (Photos)

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Year of Voices: March (Photos)

  1. I was told I look 18. Thought of trying to correct this but have since decided to use it as a weapon. :]
  2. I found a cherry wood writing “lap top” that my aunt in Arizona sent me years ago for my 17th birthday. I loved what she wrote and have since lived by it. Here’s what it says:

    09/2003

    “To Treavor with lots of love. Remember me when you are rich and famous! :) Always go after what you want. Even if it doesn’t turn out the way you had hoped, it will be your mistake. Not a mistake made because of someone else! Don’t grow old saying ‘I wish I had…!’ Grow old saying ‘I’m glad I did!!!’

    I love you! Always!!
    Aunt Penny”

  3. March was a month for leaky faucets. So much water everywhere.
  4. My mom doesn’t have an organization system for her bills. She’s just as scattered as I am. Well, maybe worse. To help out, my sister pays them, but she throws them in a bin. So I found a case file folder system to put them in. I also got around to working on the office more. I’m hoping to finish the office completely this year. Long time coming.
  5. Marlon’s birthday falls between Christmas and New Year’s. And because he likes the spotlight he held his birthday in March this time. Those raspberry-chocolate cupcakes made by his roommate’s boyfriend were phenomenal. And vegan!
  6. “Hungry HUNGRY HIPSTER” grocery list. You also see a masonry drill bit for drilling into brick. Prepping for an April to-do. :]
  7. Southeast Road Trip: The moon somewhere in the South. I think I must’ve played Neko Case’s “I Wish I Was The Moon” at this point. Beautiful.
  8. The Hunt Hill Bridge Opening was really cool. Beautiful day.
  9. Southeast Road Trip: View from our oceanfront hotel room on Hilton Head Isle, SC. We didn’t stay very long but it was a beautiful view.
  10. My sis and I bought new towels for the main bathroom from Target. They’ve been a PAIN! Nice and fluffy but fuzzballs galore, man. I’ve since washed them 4 times and lint-rolled them.
  11. I finally checked out new donut shop in Dallas. Pookie’s, with Stacy. Stay tuned for her review!
  12. Southeast Road Trip: It was hot in the South, y’all!
  13. I re-dedicated myself to abstinence this month! Going strong! Not grumpy and getting so much done! :D
  14. When I moved back into my mom’s house here in DFW and the house was an insane mess. I sat down and compiled a lot of the issues on a white board that sits in the living room. With the immense help of my sister, we’ve been knocking things off left and right!
  15. The present-day office was my room years ago. I found these game cartridge boxes in the closet, which soon be the supply closet. I didn’t realize I had this many Pokemon games! Gotta catch ‘em all, y’all!
  16. Southeast Road Trip: I took this photo right before uncomfortable vlogging for the Totes Awesome Channel. Thanks again, girls for letting me visit your channel. :]
  17. I had the pleasure of meeting up with Meghan of MomandDem.com at Oddfellow’s in the Bishop Arts District. It was so much fun talking with her. Check out her blog. She’s hilarious.
  18. Spring is here! Our roses were like “BAM! We’re bustin’ out these buds, y’all!” And they smell really good.
  19. Spring is here! Our… hmm… I forgot what these are called but they are so beautiful. And definitely spice up our front yard a great deal.

  20. “A pleasant surprise is in store for you soon.”

    I found this at the bottom of my backpack from my trip to New York for New Year’s. Nate and I got our fortunes at Room Service in Chelsea. I wonder if the surprise came and I didn’t notice. Or if it’s still coming. Soon come soon. :]

  21. The park sign says “RARK”. Marlon and I enjoyed alcoholic (and non for me :]) milkshakes at the Village Burger Bar to celebrate the Emancipation of MarMar. Hehe. He quit his under-paying, energy-draining job of over 3 years for a higher-paying and hopefully more fulfilling position at another company. March was definitely Marlon’s month!
  22. It’s the end of March and I couldn’t think of a better way to end it than with my friend Chelsey. We checked out the awesome Eno’s Pizza Tavern in the Bishop Arts District.
  23. I found my jumbo sketch book, which had a lot of my ideas. I’ve been feeling impaired without. My idea book is just not big enough to sketch. My list book is definitely not big enough, so it was great to be reconciled. I can’t wait to live in my own place again so my things can breathe outside of bins. :D

Overall, March was a vast improvement from feeling like I got nothing done in February. Twas fun. Looking forward to April!

How was your March?

Letters from Costa Rica: Jaco

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December 25, 2011
Jaco Beach, Jaco, CR

I’m sitting in Jaco on a beach at night. The stars are bright yet covered by clouds. I wish I had such — I dont know — fight as them. I’m still conflicted on where I stand with love. I’m trying to embrace freedom but I feel trapped by loneliness and despair — I miss him and maybe that’s part of freedom.

“I do wish you were here next to me.”

I wish to be back in those old days of infatuation, and racing to see offline messages after school from online boyfriends. It was easier, fun, and faux-dramatic. It was how a lot of lonely American teenagers in the early 2000s spent their days, nights, midnights, weekends…. Well, maybe just me. Now, in the age of real love and tangible affection, the drama flare-ups actually hurt.

Letters from Costa Rica: San Jose

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December 21, 2011
SJO International Airport, San Jose, CR

This has been an insane experience. I am sitting in Restaurante Malinche laughing, tired, and kinda stinky.

Phil is still en route to Costa Rica after missing his flight this morning. I am thoroughly exhausted thus whiny, but I am enthralled by the fact that I am in Costa Rica.

Things keep going wrong. Right now I am in a restaurant and starving. Why? Because I’m afraid to ask if they accept American dollars. And even though I’m in the city, I’m still scared of the water. And OMG — I just saw two cute guys pass by. I love Costa Rica!

And just like that — with the sight of Costa Rican beauty and sneaking the dried apples I brought from home into my mouth — all is well. I’ve still got an hour or two for Phil to get here. Also, I’m shaking like a leaf. Nerves or hunger.

On Keeping My Heart Open

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"We often load ourselves up when we travel, because we want to be prepared for various situations. This burden of being prepared leaves us with our arms full, unable to receive whatever is there when we arrive.

It leaves us tired from carrying, so that we are not happy when we meet someone new on our travels." — Leo Babauta

I’m doing a few internal renovations. Well, just one area in particular: my heart. I’ve dabbled with how to write this for nearly 2 weeks. I would write a sentence and think. Re-write the sentence. Get frustrated and sleep on it. Now I’m back at it.

That’s exactly how the war with keeping my heart open is. I try. Something happens. It closes. I try again. It’s hard. I try to forget about it (or most of the time, I obsess over it). And then I try again.

That’s how I’ve lived my life. That’s how I’ve survived this far. I guard my heart by stockpiling a lot of reasons in front of the door. I carry them around and I compare them to every living person and every situation that comes my way. I mean, they’re valid but they ultimately keep who I want in out. These reasons keep me from enjoying the moments that are meant to be enjoyed, like the beginning of a new relationship, or boating or water skiing. Just because I nearly drowned trying to impress my ex’s friends that one time, doesn’t mean I’m still that stupid.

May the sky be the limit to your heart, or something else profoundly cheesy. :)

And after all the reasons (excuses) we declare for why we don’t allow ourselves to experience love, what else is there? The acknowledgement of someone new’s reluctant “Oh ok”? Stay at home, wondering what could’ve been?

So I am leaving the reasons behind — in order to save the life that I could have one day; the life that I have been dreaming of and working for.

One way to do this is by creating — any art can help channel the frustration, pain, sadness a person feels. Get it out and leave it there. Leave it behind to enjoy the journey ahead.

Update: Ways I’ve tried to keep my heart open is volunteering at a food bank (I realized that I am helping others, therefore I am connected, thus not alone.), home improvement (My mother’s house is very needy — haha — so I give myself projects to do around the house, your living space is an extension of your body which is an extension of your spirit. Improving that improves you.), I also open myself up to new experiences, which is difficult at times because I tend to stay in my comfort zone. But in being open to new experiences it teaches your heart to be open to the new as well.

Wine and Love #14

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Wine and Love is a list of things lately that has made me want to turn to drinking and things that have made me fall deeper in love with life. Thanks to Walking With Nora for starting this weekly series.

Wine

  • Having a reason for this post.
  • I’m frustrated. After many years, I’m still having to prove the truth. That’s probably the only thing that gives me doubt of a future. Love is what gives me hope. …But I’m still pretty frustrated.

Love

  • Making to-do lists and feeling like I’m getting a lot done. :D
  • Meeting up with @MomandDem was really cool. I find that my energy is drained within 2 hours of meeting cool people that I could talk hours on end to.
  • Having Linda and bff-Brandon there to pull back me to sanity.
  • Marlon is moving on from a bad place to a good place. :]
  • Helping Stacy get on a plane to DC was nice, despite the detour. Haha. Driver error, driver error.
  • I’m just really excited for the future. The thing I mentioned in an earlier Wine and Love is not too much of a concern. I’ve learned to not let what I can’t control move my rock. I have to believe that it’s sturdy enough to withstand the most influential of rough tides.

I Know You’re Reading

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When I started writing this blog, a personal account of various topics (design, food, life, love, music, travel, and over all, self-improvement), I didn’t realize that it would be mostly popular among people that aren’t my friends. [In fact, I don't think most of my close friends read my blog at all.] Thus far, members of the church my ex goes to have found my blog and nearly outted him. At the time I published this entry, he called to tell me that a friend* of his gave him reasons from my blog to NOT try to work things out with me. And while those opinions matter, respectfully they don’t matter to me. What you think of me is none of my business.

There have been rumors started about my dating life that people feel compelled to start, some of them they pulled from vague mentions on this blog. I’m not going to address them further. But my ex and I have lived separate lives on purpose. Essentially, just because you read something doesn’t mean you know everything. Hunger Games is far more interesting than my blog.

My ex, who is also my greatest friend, gave me his support and said that it’s my blog and I should write whatever I want. I write honestly from my point of view about me. I don’t make my blog a personal attack on anyone. If you’re offended by my honesty, then you shouldn’t read it. Everything on this blog pertains to ideas and actions that are common. People think about and have sex, people travel, people eat, people love music. I happen to be a people. There’s nothing controversial here, except for honesty I guess.

Which leads me to think that society doesn’t value honesty. While I realize that other people read this blog, the important thing and purpose of this blog is my self-improvement. I don’t know a straight-shoot way to do that but to be honest and try to live as best as possible.

This blog is a personal and honest account of my growth to becoming a unified, secure, loving, self-reliant individual. I will make mistakes along the way, but one of them will not be listening to someone who I couldn’t give 3 sh*ts about dogging me about the mistakes I make. Get a life and stay out of mine.

With that said, thanks for reading.

* Friend — My take on a true friend in the realm of relationships is that they’re merely there for support. I have friends that have dated people that I don’t approve of, but my friends are adults who can make up their own minds and hearts. My role in their lives is to support the decisions they feel are right. Not influence their decisions.

felix goes to paris | A Mixtape by Treavioli

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FELIX GOES TO PARIS • A Mixtape by Treavioli
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I have another blog where I post mostly photos of how I would like life to be, some people find that it helps them. One of them is a 19-year old Southeast Asian guy who dreams of visiting Paris. I follow his blog as well, which is mostly pictures of the Eiffel Tower and cute boys wearing berets. So, I made this mixtape for him so that he’d continue believing that he will see Paris one day.

Ironically, the photography for the cover is by a different Felix. Thanks again to Felix Speller for lending his photo.

Feel free to click on the artwork above or you can download here.

Photography by Felix Speller.
Design by me.
Track arrangement by me.

Yelle—Amour Du Sol
Gotan Project—Last Tango In Paris
Kings of Convenience—I’d Rather Dance With You
Corinne Bailey Rae—Paris Nights/New York Mornings
Yelle—Tu Es Beau
Gotan Project—Queremos Paz
Rufus Wainwright—Leaving For Paris No. 2
Nouvelle Vague—This Is Not A Love Song
Nouvelle Vague—Too Drunk To Fuck
Peter Bjorn and John—Paris 2004
Yelle—Tristesse/Joie
Rufus Wainwright—Oh What A World

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