I’m the proprietor of the “stink eye” when I first meet you. It is the foundation for all of my adult friendships; they all begin the same way, me sizing you up. When I meet someone for the first time, I figure out the aura of a person by using my sixth sense: Intuition. My opinion of a person is based on their reactions to certain things. It doesn’t matter if they’re tired or not, I can usually see through that to see if you are indeed a good person or a greedy bastard with your own interests at heart. And if I don’t get the vibe that you’re a self-interested nobtwist I may still pick on you and put you through hell because I like you a lot, and it’s how I am affectionate to people I was initially reluctant to being affectionate with.
I borrowed the “zsa zsa zsu” term from Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw mentions it after meeting Berger. She describes it as that lovey dovey feeling when you meet someone you really like and just want to be with them.
I think the first instance of the zsa zsu zsu appearing in my life was at age 19. It was so incredibly overwhelming then. Things happen over time, and you come to find yourself feeling the zsa zsu zsu again. It’s amazing. I never thought that I would actually feel that feeling again. Thinking, How? After seeing all the stars in the skies the first time, how is it possible to see anything else? What more is there? Lo and behold, just as the grand canopy of lights we know, there are even more stars than the ones we’ve encountered. New stars are born each day, as old ones explode.
The workings of love are amazing. I can’t quite call what is happening love yet, but if the zsa zsa zsu is allowed to grow as it has been, then it could definitely be something worth cultivating.
I read the following entry in the video, but just in case you don’t like to be read to, you can read it below.
from My Blue Reflection
18 August 2004
Have you ever liked someone… but… you thought they were too good for you? Or maybe you didn’t they were so much better than you… just not on the same level… or something like that.
I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about someone more so lately. I don’t know.
I’ve been talking to some people lately. They’re not the ones that I would like to be in a relationship or get to know more. But I don’t know now that I’ve decided to change some things in my life for the better I’ve looked at this person and saw that… there isn’t a doubt that I’m safe with this person.
They’re not gonna make me do this or that if I don’t want to. It seems they really want a relationship.
Thing is… would they want it with me? I mean, there is an age difference, there’s only a little distance between us (not much)…. I don’t know. I just feel powerless when it comes to the love thing. How do I get to know someone without them knowing that I want to.
‘Cause if they knew that I wanted to get to know them better then they would walk away or something. It’s so difficult.
What do I have to offer… What can I give to you.
I know there’s so much I could give you, if I’d let myself… but I know that’s not best. That’s not who I am. That’s not who you are either.
Like… have you felt as if you weren’t enough for someone? Have you ever felt like you didn’t have what it took to make them look your way? Maybe Major Leaguer is like me: if someone liked me, I’d wish they’d tell me. I guess I’d just want to know just to know… But at least they’d know if it was yes or no.
But like them I don’t have the confidence, I guess.
You’re beyond me.
Dear past self, you’re awesome and you deserve awesome. The end.
Dear present self, you’ll get awesome because you are awesome. The end.
Dear future self, if you haven’t gotten awesome by now, they probably don’t make awesome in your size. But that’s okay, because you’ve probably had little awesomes by now. Cultivate them so they other people’s little awesome can meet your little awesomes. <3